Happiness

I want happiness.
I want to wake up in the morning
refreshed and bright eyed.
I want to sleep, sound and regularly.
I want to laugh and not feel like crying
I want to watch the sunrise and set
with my children and feel something.
I want to feel like i need people.
I want to feel more than hurt and sad.
I want to feel like writing and sharing.
I want to feel like i help, instead of hinder.
I want to feel like one drink really is one drink
I want to feel at home
I want to feel like me
I want to feel...
I want to feel..
I want to feel.
i want
i
ME

I don't want to be told what to feel
I don't want to be told what to do
I don't want to feel scared
I don't want to feel like my world is imploding
I don't want to feel worthless
I don't want to wonder or wander
I want to be me and feel
like me.

SHE WAS:
broken
endangered
absurd
awkward
bizarre
clumsy
irrational
simple
depraved
vulgar
indecent
irrelevant
skeptical
ashen
I AM:
authentic
controversial
humorous
loyal
handy
strong
crafty
rational
strong willed
adaptable
logical
optimistic
mom
me

My Mom (poem)

She gave me life but made me feel like death.
How can you love someone who sucks the life out of you?
How do you explain the anguish,
The collapse of your being,
The distrust and misery.
She made me feel like it was me.
That this was normal.
This is life, this is my life.
So you distort yourself, you fold,
twist and yield who you are
for the love that should be instinctual.
But, the only instinctual fiber in her being was her betrayal.
Love wasn't something she was capable of portraying.
Her children were burdens, burdens to everyone.
She let her children become deadweight,
because she was a dead beat.
She was a coward
she is a coward
she is my mom.
she is my nightmare
she is my guilt
my pain
my hate.
She is the the cause of the gaping open wound in my heart
the always throbbing always oozing wound.
she is my mom
she gave me life, she made me feel like death.