Meeting MFKL

I have recently had a few people ask me how MFKL and i met. It's kind of a funny story, not a real romantic one and not one i will tell our boys until they get older, but i guess that's kind of our style.

We met in Seaside at a party. This guy from Safeway had been asking me for about a month to come to one of his sexy parties, i thought he was kinda creepy so i made something up everytime he asked. I finally got sick of him asking, i went to the store almost everyday and had to turn him down everyday. I told him i didn't have plans for the first part of the night but i might have to leave early due to something or another, i don't remember exactly what i told him, i just knew i might need a excuse to leave at some point.

When i got there, there was only 4 people and they were all guys. Not really my idea of a sexy party but i was willing to at least stay to learn peoples names. Because Seaside is such a small town i already knew about half of the people (and i wasn't impressed with them) which left only two. One was named Jack and he was doing some drugs so, i was not really interested in getting to know him and the other was named MFKL.

When i got there he was drinking homemade cider on the balcony outside over looking the river. As i was being introduced to the only other guy MFKL walked in and shook my hand and introduced himself. It wasn't to long before a few other people showed up and everyone but MFKL and i were doing some sort of drugs which we were not really into. So we stepped outside on the balcony and drank beer and talked.

He told me the host was a weirdo and this was the last one of his sexy parties he was going to and i told him this was my first and my last because he was a creep and kept bugging me. He asked me about my tattoo's and him about his cider he was drinking and made himself. It was getting late and i had to work in the morning(this was when i was doing concrete). I was enjoying getting to know MFKL but did not like the environment we were in, the "sexy" party was getting really weird.

MFKL walked me to my truck. I should add that he was incredibly drunk, the cider he made had wormwood in it and was so potent that you would get a hangover while drinking it. While he was walking me to my truck he pulled out his dick, lol. I know how this sounds but it was really funny and kind of endearing. I didn't feel weird or afraid one bit, he is just a really goofy guy who is pretty sure of himself.  He asked me to touch it kind of giggling and i told him i had to go, giggling myself. This was my first encounter with a drunk MFKL and we parted ways with me smiling and laughing. 

We didn't exchange phone numbers and neither of us knew where each other lived. About a week or two later i was grocery shopping with my sisters and we were in the wine aisle buying pasta when the wine steward walked up to me and asked "Did we meet last week? Are you Brittnee?" I was a little surprised he remembered because he was so tipsy and a little surprised he recognized me because i was in my work clothes, something way different than my "party clothes". I was basically covered in concrete, wearing jeans, boots, a hickory and a hat, lol. I was also thrown a little off because i didn't know he was the wine steward.

He asked for my number that day while i was picking up some pasta and have been almost inseparable since. Again, not a really romantic story but funny and memorable to me. 

The Dangers Of Being a Stay At Home Mom

I was thinking while i was in the shower today (that's where i do all my best thinking), that there are so many "hazards" being a parent. As in hazardous for me! I started thinking this because i slipped on some soap the boys mashed into the bottom of the tub, than stepped on a toy and pulled the shower curtain off the rod. Hazardous. I have had a lot of jobs that have got me into some scary situations, but I still think i have gotten hurt or almost got hurt more times as a wife and mom than all my other jobs combined. This kinda freaked me out. 

This got me thinking and counting of all the accidents or scary things i have experienced while working a paying job. The first one that comes to mind was when the steering wheel of my work truck came separated from the steering column while driving over a bridge, scary shit! No really i almost shit myself, i had enough sense to try shoving the thing back into the column and luckily it worked! (I'm pretty sure after this day i started carrying an extra pair of clothes, including underwear to work with me everyday.)

As scary as that experience was, it is nothing compared to watching your two year old son do a front flip off the couch right as you walk into the living room. This is one of those times where time stands still, anything moving is in slow motion except for you mind, your mind is racing through all the possibilities of things that can go wrong, ways you kid can get hurt. Which in this instance was shit-ton. Walking into the room and seeing this made me feel like my stomach was going to fall out my ass, way worse than thinking i am going to drive off a bridge. 

When i was working as a laborer building a hospital in Eugene i had a 30ft 4X8 fall and graze my forearm, breaking it. I worked half the day before i couldn't take the pain any longer and told my boss that i thought i broke my arm and was going to the hospital. This hurt a decent amount. You know what hurts worse than a falling piece of lumber breaking your arm? Stepping on a damn army guy at 2am on your way to take a pee, tripping on the bath mat and smacking your head on the corner the the towel rack. That shit hurts way worse.

When i was a bartender i had this really big scary guy call me a cunt when i cut him off. I told the guy to get the fuck out of my bar and when he didn't listen i knew i was going to have to throw him out. I was most definitely scared because the guy was so huge and tipsy and pissed off at me since i told him he couldn't drink anymore. I yelled to the cook upstairs who was also a big scary guy, to come down and help me kick the asshole out, but before he could get down stairs the guy walked up to me and grabbed me by the shoulders and slammed me against the wall. I was sure he was going to hit me before the cook could get downstairs to help. That's when instinct kicked in and i kneed the guy in the balls, grabbed him by the collar of his shirt and pulled him up the stairs and outside. Definitely one of the scarier experiences when i was bar tending.

As unnerving as that incident was, i have a scarier one. Its still way more horrifying when my huge two year old comes running full blast at me screaming "POOP" with questionable brown stuff smeared on his hands. That's a harrowing experience.

Being a stay at home mom is way more hazardous and scary than any job i have ever held and situation i have got myself into. But, at the same time i have never held a job more fun, disgusting, educational and rewarding than being a mom. I don't think one exists. As hazardous every minute is with my boys, i know i couldn't live without them.

Pussy Flap

Have you ever used an excuse to get out of having sex with someone? I know we all have, for one reason or another.

I recently had a male friend of mine tell me the best one i have ever heard...and it worked!  We were sitting in a bar having a drink and he was talking about getting back together with his ex-girlfriend. They have been off and on for like 15 years, there last separation being something like two years. He told me they were fooling around the other night and she told him that they couldn't have sex, he asked her why and she said she physical can't...its a medical problem that the doctor doesn't think she should mess with at the moment, he then got all quite. 

At this point i was very intrigued. I wanted to shout at him "so...whats her problem?" but i somehow managed to restrain myself and waited for him to finish. He said

Him:"She has a piece of skin covering her vagina."

Me: (totally shocked and fascinated)"What? You mean like a pussy flap? Have you seen it?"
I was a little embarrassed at my bevy of questions and my level of curiosity, but not enough to stop myself. 

Him: "I haven't seen it, and yes it's a flap that covers everything"

Me: "The whole thing? (him nodding, me laughing) Dude, she made that up. She didn't want to have sex with you. How would she pee if the whole thing was covered up?"

Him: "Are you serious? That's not a real lady issue? 

Me: "You are an idiot!"

I literally spit beer all over the bar when he told me, i couldn't believe she would make something up like that and i can't believe that he is such a moron to believe it.

Have you ever used an excuse? If so, what? I don't think there is a better one then PUSSY FLAP!

The mystery in my marriage is gone

Let my start off by saying my husband is a very very harry man but he wishes he wasn't, so he Nairs. Now normally he would buy this brand

Its made for men and according to MFKL works better because you can leave it on a little longer without burning the crap out of the area's your removing hair.
MFKL could not find this specific brand at the store recently, so he had to ask an employee with shame in his eyes where he could find the Nair. Because my husband wanted to keep what dignity he has left, said it was for his wife, so the clerk lead to this.

Like i said earlier MFKL likes the brand for men cause you can keep it on longer. MFKL usually Nair's the regular spots arm pits, chest, and pubic area but got some wild hair up his ass and decided to Nair his butt hole. Yes i said butt hole. I don't know if any of you have ever Naired, but sometimes if you leave it on to long it will give you something kinda like a sun burn and when your hair starts to grow back they can get ingrown and you get a zit type thing. Need i say more?

MFKL got a huge nasty ingrown hair and zit on his very sensitive asshole and mildly burned his skin where the sun most definitely has never shined.  Unfortunately for me on many levels my husband is a bit of a wussy when it comes to certain things and could not for the life of him bring himself to pinch his butt hole zit but was in, as he put it, a horrible amount of pain. 

So yet again with shame in his eyes, asked me to "look at" his butt hole. He spent several days trying to deal with it himself but was unable to relieve the horrible pain. So laughing hysterically told my husband i would totally "check out" his butt hole and if need be pop the zit bugging him. He was horrified that he had to ask me to do this, i however thought it was funny especially since i told him not to Nair his butt hole in the first place.

Yep the mystery was over, and the zit popped and you now know more about me and MFKL then I'm sure you ever wanted to know.

The Rogue Pisser

I know i have written about piss and being pissed on a lot lately and i am sorry about it but...this is my life. I have been recently stuck in a pattern of pissiness. I am either pissed on, pissed off, or someone in my family is in a pissy mood. Today i woke up and found my shirt wet, not soaking wet though. Just a little spot where my lovely handle is, a spot maybe the size of my hand.

Naturally i checked both boys...neither of them was wet and neither was the sheets! The first thought that came to my recently awaken mind was i got sweaty. But why would i only sweat in a tiny spot on my side and no where else? So, i checked the boys again and again they were not wet, not one bit. I decided i should take my shirt off, not only because it was wet but because i wanted to smell it to see if it smelt like piss and guess what? It did!

 I was now in the midst of a whodonit thriller involving piss and being pissed on. (big sigh, this is my life, lol) My list of possible suspects was short but i had very little evidence. This early in the morning required a much need cup of coffee before i could really think things through.

It was only me and the boys sleeping in the bed, MFKL had a little to much to drink and passed out in the spare bedroom. That means it was one of my boys, but which one?

I asked the boys when they got up if they had a pee pee accident or if any of there clothes were wet, and of course they both said no and to my surprise, they were dry and so was the evidence. I didn't have anything to bring the investigation forward, i guess i just have to wait for him to strike again. 

What i have on my hands is a mad pisser, i don't know who he is or when he will strike. What i do know is i will be pissed on again, and when i do i will catch him.

To be continued...

I threatened to kick the neighbor kids ass today

I have a neighbor who has a few kids who are a few years older than mine. We have a fence between our yards that has slats in it. Some of the slats are missing and my and kids and the neighbor kids like playing peek a boo through the fence and like to talk.

I am ok with this. They all giggle and have fun, cool. What i am not ok with is when the older neighbor kids throw baseball sized rocks over the fence trying to hit my kids! This happened about a week ago and i almost lost my shit! I was sitting on the couch with MFKL when i kept hearing a thumping outside, when i finally got off my ass to see what was going on, there were a half dozen baseball sized rocks lying in my yard. Luckily my boys were smart enough to step back and get under our wood shelter, but were not smart enough to yell to Mama.

I was pissed let me tell you. I grabbed the rocks and as i did the kid ran away with me screaming "you better run you little fucker" and stormed out my front door with a worried MFKL yelling at me to come back. He knows i don't get mad often and it normally takes a lot, but as I'm sure all you Mama's out there know if you mess with our kids we will kick your ass, i don't care if you are six years old or not! I didn't knock on the door i kicked it, i know, i know bad Mama. When the mom answered the door i reached out and put all the rocks inside the door at her feet and said

"Your boy threw these rocks over the fence at mine, your kid could have killed my little boys. If it happens again i will throw them back...I won't miss"

She was more than a little shocked. I'm not sure at the fact that i threatened her kid, the rocks at her feet, or that her kid threw the rocks. She was really silent for a minute then apologized. I simply told her that if it happens again, i am serious, i will throw the rocks back. I don't have any problem kicking some kids ass that is threatening the health of my kids. I also wouldn't mind kicking there parents ass for letting there kids think they can get away with shit like that!

So this was last week. Today my kids were playing in the yard in between down pours, and i heard a thump again. So i go literally running out my back door and saw that little shit throwing rocks again. So what did i do? I ran and jumped the fence, scaring the shit out of the kid. I calmly looked right into his scared little face and said "You don't want to know what i will do to you if you throw one more rock over that fucking fence, do you hear me?"
He silently shook his head yes and walked into his house. I jumped back over the fence expecting one of his parents to come over but nobody did.

I know this really makes me sound like an asshole and a terrible person for saying that to a kid, but i don't care. I am that type of person. The type of person who wont put up with other peoples bullshit when it comes to the health and well being of my children. I seriously doubt that kid will throw anymore rocks.

Adult Dance Party

As most of you know i love to have dance parties with my family and friends, my sisters and i have been having them since they were all very little. My boys and i have them daily. On Saturday MFKL and i got to have our own adult dance party after the kids went to bed. An adult dance party consist of MFKL and i getting drunk and listening to music, dancing, and making playlists. It's way fun, and if MFKL gets drunk enough he does his naked James Brown impression which makes me laugh hysterically.

This weeks adult dance party was mainly 80's music. I will have to share the playlist we made. MFKL and i have somewhat different taste in our 80's. We do like a lot of the same stuff but i also like butt rock, which MFKL hates. If you don't know what butt rock is, its bands like..Guns and roses, Def Leopard and Motley Crue just to name a few. I love it, grew up with it and my kids are way into because of me, which MFKL hates lol!

We had a really fun night. Did a little making out to the Dirty Dancing soundtrack, it was a much needed semi date night. I did get to see MFKL James Brown impression and i woke up with my underwear backwards and inside out, in a little bit of a haze.

Here is a little taste of the playlist we made. Its called remembrance..
-She Sells Sanctuary-The Cult
-I Ran-A Flock Of Seagulls
-Thank You-Duran Duran
-The Promise-When in Rome
-Everybody Want to Rule The World-Tears For Fears
-Take On Me-a-ha
-Don't Dream It's Over-Crowded House
-I Melt With You-Modern English
-Safety Dance-Men With Hats
-I'm All Right-Kenny Loggins
-Your The Best-Joe "bean" esposito
-Don't You-Simple Minds
-Careless Whisper-George Michael
-Hip to Be Square-Huey Lewis and the News
-Never Gonna Give You Up-Rick Astley
-Psycho Killer-Talking Heads

Just to name a few...I'm thinking i need to start a Spotify account for my blog. If you are in a 80's mood i suggest this mini play list! If you are into Butt Rock i will have to start a new one! Hope you enjoy.

New rules, because i don't like to get pissed on!

I cannot describe to you the feeling of waking up not once but two nights in a row to someone peeing up your back.

Last night Fire Ball took off his pull up after crawling out of his bed, crawled into mine, fell asleep and pissed all over me at 4:30 in the morning. This time i have to admit i didn't laugh. I simply said
"Oh, fuck. Come on man!"
Nobody seemed to care, MFKL didn't wake up Beefcake didn't wake up and surprisingly Fire Ball didn't wake up even though he way lying in piss and had Mama man handling him to put a towel under him since everyone else was not going to wake up so i could change the sheets.

Needless to say yet again, i made the coffee this morning. Tonight there are going to be some new rules. They might be a tad bitchy and over the top but, I'm really not into the golden shower thing, so rules there will be!

Also my youngest Beefcake still thinks he needs milk in the middle of the night, that's not going to happen anymore. I know i will be really grumpy dealing with a yelling cranky 2 year old screaming about milk in the middle of the night but at least i wont be getting pissed on and i know eventually the battle for 'night milk' will end and i will be getting way more uninterrupted sleep. So, totally worth it in the end. Plus its a huge pain in the ass to get Beefcake to brush his teeth again after drinking the milk half asleep.

Here are my new rules:

1. No drinking liquids after 6pm
       (I prefer bathing in warm water not warm piss every morning)

2. If you don't eat your dinner at dinner time, you can't get up to eat it at bedtime.
       (I don't care how skinny you are Fire Ball)

3. If you wake up and come into my bed, i will be putting you back in your own.
       (You are big boys you don't need to lay on my head and kick me in the boob every night)

4. We will only be reading 2 books, or 2 chapters of a long book at bedtime.
      (Not 10 books and 10 chapters of a long book)

5. If you miss the toilet and piss on the floor, clean it up.
     (Mama doesn't like slipping in a puddle of piss, or sit in a bunch of piss when using the toilet)

It came to my attention while writing this that my 2 year old son Beefcake, took off his diaper and pooped on the floor. He walked in the office...
"I poop in my living room, poop on floor not in my diaper" 
Wonderful.

6. If you are going to take off your diaper, i expect you to use the toilet.
     (especially if you have to poop!)

7. No saying swear words
     (I know this is a little hypocritical, but they know which ones are bad)

8. If you pick you nose, don't flick your booger at my company, please put it in a Kleenex.
     (Believe it or not, girls don't like boys who fling boogers at there faces)

9. I expect you to clean your own room, i will help but i won't do all the work.
     (I am not your maid i am your Mama)

10. Have fun, your little boys.
     (Your Mama is crazy and your Papa worries to much, please be patient with us) 

I am not a very strict mom, nor am i a heartless bitch, i love to have fun. I know some of these rules sound a little ridged but this is what it has come to. I have smart boys that know right from wrong and are usually not assholes on purpose, so i give them a more privileges and freedom to do and say what they want. But there are things that obviously need to change and i am hoping enacting these new rules, or at least attempting to follow them will help make the little changes so Mama doesn't have a freakout or drink more vodka then she should.

Waking up to someone pissing on you is not fun

Last night Fire Ball wanted to try going to bed without a pull up because he is now a big boy and doesn't need one at night, according to him. I told him that maybe we should wait till tomorrow night and stop drinking liquids a couple hours before bed. But he threw a huge fit because he was tierd and so i gave in. I did make him go potty before crawling into bed.

I don't sleep well, and am up half the night so i went and checked on him multiple times before i went to bed at midnight. No accidents. I was relived and happy and decided i didn't need to put a pull up on him before i went to bed.

How dumb am i?

I wake up at 4am to a naked Fire Ball laying behind me in my bed pissing up my back into my hair. Yes, i am an idiot and i paid for it. I thought waking up in a puddle of piss was bad but no this took the cake, the piss cake.

I was so shocked and a little in awe that i wasn't even mad. I started laughing, i laughed really really hard. Waking up everyone else who was in my bed including Beefcake and MFKL who managed not to get pee on them even though we were all snuggled up way close.

Needless to say, i couldn't go back to sleep. Good Morning Workin Man Mama! I guess i could have been worse. At least piss is warm. I think if i had waken up to cold water being poured all over me, i would have woken up yelling swear words.

 

Can i borrow a tampon?

I think i have mentioned how eccentric my mom is and how unstable my childhood was. My brothers father was and continues to be the creepiest and the biggest asshole i have ever met. He used to bring really weird people over to our house and let them stay with us, like homeless people with weird issues.

This one day he brought home a really strange looking man named Egghead. He had shoulder length grey frizzy hair. He had a soft voice and pale blue eyes and was very obviously homeless. Egghead had a split personality. Half the time he was Egghead and the other half of the time She was Amelia. As a 11 year old, i found this incredibly entertaining and interesting.

As it turns out Egghead was a really nice man, life just took a shit on him and he couldn't seem to get back into the swing of things because of his condition. I was always a big tomboy and loved being dirty and playing with the boys. But when Amelia came around i would always let her paint my nails, do my makeup and put really horrible fake jewelry on me because it made her happy and made me laugh. She had great style that was completely out of this world. That women could wear a dress!

After staying with us for about a month he asked my mom when he was Amelia if she could borrow a tampon. A TAMPON! Where the hell was she going to stick it? This puzzled me for a really long time, and neither my or me had the guts to ask Amelia where she was going to put it.

I don't remember Egghead leaving or ever talking about him or Amelia with my mom after the fact. As funny as this sounds, i think meeting Egghead and Amelia was one of the coolest things my mom and my brothers dad did for me. My view of people, there illnesses and quirky personal stories and struggles, because of knowing Egghead and some of the others, i think made me a really accepting person. I have a incredibly open mind considering the people who raised me.

Can i borrow a tampon? 

My garbage man didn't want to help me with my cans, he waned to help me with my cans!

This morning at 7am i heard a knock at my door. I was still in my bathrobe, (actually I'm always in my bathrobe) it was my garbage man. He noticed i hadn't put my cans out and was wondering if he could help me with them.

I know what your thinking, what great service and i wish my garbage man did that! But i have a confession to make. About a month ago i was taking the cans out to the curb on garbage day, when i dropped my phone. I bent down to pick it up and my tit came out of my tank top right when the garbage man was stopped picking up the neighbors cans. I know he saw it, he had a huge smile on his face and always waves to me since that day.

My husband is always embarrassed for me. I am half naked or naked a lot of the time. If I'm at home i want to be comfortable. The majority of the neighbors I'm sure have seen me naked,  I don't care. If my tit or nip slip can make someones day, I'm all for it!

Today my realtor saw me naked and i pointed a 357 at him.

Sorry if your a realtor, but the ones that come to show my house can kiss it. They always call and want to show it when its the least convenient for you, I somehow always make it work. But when they show up a half hour before they are supposed to be at your house and just walk in without knocking, i want to shoot and i almost did today!

I was in the shower about 40 minutes before the realtor was supposed to arrive and all of a sudden i hear talking, adult talking. I always shower with the door open when MFKL isn't here so the boys can come tell me if somethings on fire or whatever. The realtor just lets himself in 40 minutes before the time he is supposed to be here, and its not our regular realtor either. Surely he was told there were people living in the house. Not only did he just walk in but he walks in with some people to show the house to them.

So i hear men talking in or near my kitchen when i am in the shower, several things start running through my mind in a split second. Instictually, i jump out and run to my bedroom and check the boys room, but there not there so naturally, i get the 357 from my room and just start walking to the other end of the house as fast as i could, trying to get to my boys. I cannot tell you how freaked out and scared i was. We recently had a man try to break into the house in the middle of night, this was like 2 weeks ago. Luckily i was awake and scared him, and then woke up MFKL who grabbed the pistol and ran outside in his underwear looking for the guy.

But back to the realtor. I was almost to the men's voices and my kids. Naked, dripping wet i turned the corner with the 357 drawn.....The realtor almost shit himself, the other guy is standing there smiling. I suddenly relieze the situation and yell at the kids to get in my bedroom, i calmly tell the realtor to get the fuck out of my house and try to walk out of the room as quickly as i could trying to keep a little dignity.

After i get dressed who knocks on the door? The FUCKING REALTOR! Oh. My. God. If i was in his shoes in this situation i would have totally never came back to the house again. I open the door, shocked and pissed off. He actually still wanted to show the house, he said the guy was still interested in seeing the rest. The rest of what i asked? My ass or the house? The poor guy didn't know what to say and just turned and walked away.

I am still mad, and feeling guilty. Just a little. I'm pretty sure this was the first time the guy had a gun pulled on him, and I'm pretty sure i was the first naked women to be standing in front of him. He was obviously a gay man and the guy he was showing the house to was obviously not. I almost feel like i should send him a 'sorry, i pulled a gun on you and showed you my gunt' card.

My love of booze was inevitable

I was trying to think of something mildly amusing to write about, and thought that you all might get a kick out of hearing about my first experience in a bar, or be forever horrified.

It was a beautiful summer day in one of the many trendy parts of Portland. I was 16, kinda wild, and hanging out with my mom. She thought it might be fun to dress up in wigs and pretend to be other people and walk around downtown Portland saying and doing weirdo shit and watch peoples expressions. This is something we had done many times and had a kick ass time. 

While we were choosing which wig to wear and how we were going to do our hair, she had the brilliant idea to take me to a bar, not only a bar but a shitty one run by a pimp she knew.

I won't lie, i was excited and little scared because i knew the part of town the bar was in and I'm pretty sure i recognized the name because someone got stabbed there the previous week. But i trusted my mom, or more like, wanted to see if i could get in a bar and drink.

So next we had to make me look older, and make up fake names. This was fun. This is actually one of my most favorite memories of my mom and i together. Because it was summer the air smelt good, the sun was out and we had classic Madonna (Her new music sucks) blaring while we shook our asses!
My mom wanted to wear the blonde wig, which was my fav, but she was my mom so i took the wavy brown one. We decided to make me look older, we would have to put a shit ton of make up on me and wear something low cut since i had huge tits. I remember very vividly my mom saying
"If you show enough tit you can get in anywhere" 
And you know what? She was right.

Now, as a mother i am horrified that there is a mother out there that would not only take there 16 year old to a bar but have them drive you there fully knowing they are going to drink. But as a 16 year old i thought this was fun and bad ass!

Remember me telling you that the bar was run by a pimp? When we walked in, literally the music stopped and everyone looked at us. My mom being the classy lady she is yelled this
"Wooooooo Hooooooo Who's gunna buy me a beer bitches?"
  I laughed all the half dead zombie looking people laughed and someone bought us a round. We were the hottest shit there. We had guys lined up waiting to buy us drinks and guys hanging on our every word. My mother told them we were sisters and she told them some of our adventures we have had.

I was a very mature 16 year old, mainly because of all the shit my mom put me through. But not all of it was bad and not all of it ended in a fiery explosion. I only had 1 beer but very much enjoyed the show my mom put on. She loved it, mainly the attention and free booze, but we both have fond memories of this. After she had to much to drink i took her home, put her to bed and went home myself. I was way to horrified from the shitty bar she took me to, and all the scary bar flies that looked pickled to ever want to sneak into one when i got a little older. So even though that was not my moms intention she managed do something motherly.

Then when i turned 21 i became a bartender, like my mom, and my aunt. In a shit bar where people call you cunts and do coke off toilet seats. I think my first experience in a bar may have had something to do it this decision.

Good Friends and Good Drinks

So this weekend the old friend and i went out on an adventure. We both love music and booze so we decided to load up on both before we left her hotel room. After receiving many noise complaints due to our music and jumping on the bed, yes we jump on the bed and love it. We decided to leave and go get some drinks and make fun of hipsters, cause I'm in Portland and they are everywhere.

The first bar we went into had a really eclectic group of people in it. Being an ex bartender i know a group like this can be fun and entertaining. We ordered drinks and walked into the bathroom. What we saw made me laugh and gasp at the same time... I hiccuped in horror. There was a women doing coke off a toilet seat! Needless to say we drank our drinks and left.

We went to a couple other places but nothing note worthy happened. We drank, laughed, reminisced about being young dumb and crazy. We grew up in a very small town and had nothing better to do then to get in trouble. We did a little karaoke, and eventually made it back to my house.

The night turned out not to be as adventurous as i had thought, lol, i guess i am getting old. When we got back to my house, we drank wine with MFKL. He had somehow got the kids to sleep without a fight (a good man), but also fell asleep in the process. So the old friend and i drank wine and watched movies till we fell asleep on the couch.

Grey

I recently saw a old friend, who i hadn't seen in close to 6 years. I was so incredibly excited to see her, but i was a little ambivalent at the same time. This girl and i used to party, we used to stay up all night, every night. Do wild and crazy shit just cause we could.

A lot has changed for me since i last saw her, not only have i grown up(lol, not really, but close). I have gotten married and had two kids. I am not the skinny, young bitch i once was. I don't stay up all night partying. I stay up all night tending to sick kids, or dealing with my bullshit insomnia.

What i am getting to is this, this girl has not changed. She is gorgeous and single and young. I had some reservations. I wasn't sure if we would still get along, understand each other as we once did. So, with a little hesitation i grabbed my most flattering fat pants, a cute shirt, threw my hair up and decided to go meet with her.

It was amazing, we had such a blast. I am so glad i went out with her, it was a small reminder of things to come when the kids get older, when Workin Man Mama has a little more time on her hands. She didn't even mention my gained weight, she did however point something out that's way worse then my fat ass. My GREY HAIR!

Her words: "Wow, look at you all grey and shit"

I think i would have prefer "Wow, your ass has gotten huge!"

I think she brought it up knowing full well what my reaction would be. I got my first grey hair when i was 18, yes 18 and she made horrible fun of me then. My husband and kids have not been kind to my hair. Do i need to have it dyed? Yes. Do i dye it? No, not regularly enough apparently. My mom and grandpa are both completely grey, they don't dye there hair. In fact my mom looks scarily like a witch, especially when she throws her head back when she laughs.

 This is what scares me and this is why my friend brought it up! I don't want to look like a witch, but i do have the grey hair and i do throw my head back when i laugh. So with the chaffing i got from my wonderfully honest friend, and the new motivation to not look like a scary witch. I am going to go get my hair done Saturday and start going to the gym again, cause even though she didn't bring up my GUNT, i know its there.

So, thank you my friend for opening my married, tired eyes, and getting me out of my rut! I think this has been the most motivation i have had to kick my ass back into looking like a normal person (no gunt and not grey), since i had kids.

Adventure Time

I recently took my boys to the zoo. We had a great time, saw the monkeys, tigers, snakes, etc. Upon reaching the bats i was reminded of time that i was climbing trees with my mom, at night, and a bat flew into my hair a got stuck!

To explain this just a little better, i have to tell you a bit about my eccentric mom. She loves going on "adventures", at lest that's what she called them and continues to call them. These adventures could be anything from breaking and entering in a cemetery after dark, climbing trees spying on weirdo neighbors, messing with drunks, trespassing to get to a dig site, or abandoned home.  The list goes on and on. She started taking me on adventures when i was very little.

Just to give you a little more info on my mom, here are some "fun" facts.
*She believes in aliens, more specifically my little sister was abducted by them when she was 2.
*She believes Alister Crowley and friends have been trying to sacrifice me since i was born.
*She thinks our family has powers, mine being telekinesis.
*She is stuck in the 80's still to this day.
Sounds like fun right?

I think it might be appropriate to have a weekly adventure blog entry, most of my memories of these adventures are really funny. I don't think any adventure we had ever turned out as planned.

The night the bat flew in my hair was a hot and sticky summer night in Portland. I think i was 9. My mom and i had been on the roof of her shitty duplex with a pair of binoculars watching the neighbors for a few hours. The neighborhood she lived in was really fun to watch. Most of the people living there were just as eccentric as my mom or were on drugs.
We hadn't seen anything really eventful so we decided to take a walk and climb some trees. We didn't have to walk far to find something interesting.

We came across a man and wife arguing about cigarettes. My mom and i decided to climb a tree and watch the couple unravel. The man walked outside and started watering his lawn...naked. My mom and i were not very far from the man, and could hardly keep our giggles quite enough so the man didn't catch us. That of course was when i had a bat swoop down and get stuck in my huge 80's hair my mom had graciously done for me that night! I screamed, my mom laughed and the man stood horrified holding his hose, not know what was going on and not knowing how to react to what he was seeing. Eventually the bat worked its way out of my awesome hair and i was out of the tree standing face to face with the naked man, giggling uncontrollable again at what had just happened and the fact that there was a naked man standing in front of me watering his tomato plants. Needless to say we ran away laughing looking for another adventure.

My mom was at the zoo with me and the boys that day. I started laughing remembering that night, i started to ask my mom if she remembered. That's when she interrupted me and started telling MFKL about our "adventure". He just rolled his eyes and walked away quietly, lol. I think he has heard one to many "adventure" stories from Sexy mama. That's what she calls herself by the way, Sexy Mama.

Today i got kicked in the vagina and had a penis on the back of my neck

My boys love to wrestle and i love to wrestle with them. The only problem is that they are getting really good at it! My youngest Beefcake is huge, MFKL calls him man child because that's what he is. He out weighs his older brother by 4 pounds.

Today we were wrestling, we had brought out the spare bedroom mattress into the living room so they could do cool wrestling moves off the couch onto the mattress. The boys were really getting into it and i guess i wasn't paying as much attention to what was going on as i should have been and got kicked right in the crotch, HARD. I don't know how Beefcake managed it but somehow he literally got me in the clit with his big toe! I really need to stop making fun of my husband when the boys kick him in his balls. This was definitely Karma.

While i was lying on the bed holding my aching verginer, Fire Ball tells me
"Mama, your not supposed to play with yourself in front of other people, if your going to do that you need to go to your room. Your know this...your the one who told me that!"

It hurt to laugh so bad but i couldn't stop. I finally regained my composure and told him i wasn't playing with myself, Beefcake kicked me in the pee pee. He just said OK and ran off. As i was getting up, a naked Fire Ball emerged from the corner of my eye and jumps on my back and says "DINO RIDE" Yet again i couldn't help but to laugh, i calmly told him if he wanted to keep his wiener he needed to get it off my neck. He thought he was so funny, he just laughed and laughed.