Recent Absence

I am going to try and write, try and explain or at least give try to give you some sort of excuse why I haven't been on here. Its not that I haven't wanted to jump on the computer and write, its just been painful. I know that makes no sense, but i have been kinda down for awhile now and it just kinda hit me like a brick to the head last week.

This is going to be a rant/journal/attempt to get something out on paper kinda post. Its just going to be whats been on my mind the last week. I think if i get this shit out, it will give me the push to start writing other things down. Maybe even some funny stuff. I have a shit ton of stuff to write, i have still been writing, i just haven't been putting on paper or writing it on the computer, the mere thought of sitting down to write has been exhausting. 

Let me start by saying, my thoughts and feelings have been a big ball of chaos recently and will most likely look and sound like it in my writing. So, good luck. With that said...

I was recently supposed to go have a beer with one of my mothers sisters. She is the only one out of the bunch that i have really looked up to. She has always kinda seemed like she had her shit together, she was the only one that was an actual good mom. We hadn't really been talking much with both of us being busy and also her not liking my husband and thinking he is "going" to be abusive someday and telling my little sister this(ugh, people need to keep there opinions to themselves sometimes). We had talked on the phone and i guess she has been writing some stuff and trying to get it published or winning a contest or something and i told her also that i had been writing. I told her about my blog and told her it was about everything and anything that pops into my head including my childhood.

So like i said, we were supposed to go have a beer and i am sure now that she read my post "the monster inside me" and got pissed off or offended and that's why she has cancelled on me so many times. In the post i said that all my moms siblings were cowards for not doing anything but bring us groceries when shit was really terrible. Non of them really had the guts to do something that would have really helped us out of the situation because of one reason or another. I think she read this, i think maybe it hurt her feelings.

I have also been feeling a little like I'm betraying my mom. I talk with her everyday. Yes, she was a world class fuck up, yes there was a time that i hated her. She was a really terrible mom but, she is a great grandma. She has changed, if she was the same person today that she used to be, she would not be around me or my children. I have tried to talk with her about things from when my sisters and i were little but she either refuses to talk about it or completely denies it all. The only times i have been able to get her to say anything, is when she is drunk and than its usually her yelling at me saying "So what, i was a terrible mom, is that what you want to hear?? Get off your high fucking horse."

This makes it kinda hard for me to move on from it. I know it wont change a damn thing, i don't expect her to apologize, i just want acknowledgment, i want to feel like i didn't make it all up. Some of the things that happened, are hard to believe are true. Reality truly is stranger than fiction and more fucked up. I feel bad after i write shit about her, i shouldn't but i do. She's not the same person and when i write about her past and mine i almost feel like I'm attacking her because she can't defend herself.  She doesn't read my blog and I'm sure if she did she would be hurt that i have written about my childhood, that i have wrote things that make her look bad. Writing anything about her or my childhood hurts. It hurts so terrible that i almost never do. It hurts thinking about it, it hurts writing it and it really hurts reading it. It makes me feel bad for my mom and I'm not entirely sure why.

This is all for now. I know this doesn't seem like much, and its not everything, but this has been weighing on me. After making myself sit and type i do feel a little better and i generally do when i write, the action of doing it can be incredibly hard sometimes.

When Strange Dreams Get Bizarre

I think i have had one of the strangest sex dreams i have ever had and i have had some really out there erotic dreams. Just to give you a little background, i love Miles Davis (can you see where this is going?) and i love Chopin. I adore my butt rock and my 90's grunge but, there is something that really speaks to me about Miles and Chopin's music (I think i might have to write another post about my love of them both later).

I am sure you have an idea where this is going right? In my dream i am living in this big tall building in Paris. I have a love triangle going with Chopin and Davis. The three of us live in the same building, one of them actually lives above me and the other in the floor below. As you can imagine this arrangement is strange and very uncomfortable at times. I don't really remember what time period this took place in because all three of us were young, but if i had to guess, i would say the 60's.

I kept waking up to pee and thinking man this is soooo incredibly fucked up and every time i went back to sleep my dream would pick up right where it left off. Why this never happens when I'm having a normal enjoyable sex dream i will never know.

Basically i was a whore in my dream and slept with them both and occasionally we would all get together and smoke weed, drink wine, listen to music and fool around. I remember thinking 'man, this dream is so weird' but was more than a little intrigued at what might happen next. I was down right uncomfortable at times and wish that i would just wake up and save myself from this bizzaro world i was dreaming but it was the never ending dream.

Finally after what seemed like months, Chopin moved back to Warsaw and Miles Davis met some french floozy and i moved back to the states. When i arrived home, MFKL and the boys were waiting for me, which makes this dream that much more bizarre. Good grief, the hell is wrong with me? I must have some weird shit going on in the dark depths of my mind.

WMM And The Dumb F-ing Oven

As moms we have a wide array of jobs we have to do. If it isn't making someone food, cleaning up someones mess or wiping someones ass, your trying to find ways to keep yourself from freaking out or going crazy.

As WMM i have few other things i am responsible for. My husband is not mechanically inclined at all. Its not that he isn't smart enough to figure things out, its that he doesn't have the patients or the desire. So that leaves me to fix the shit. I have my own version of a honey-do-list, Its called bitch-you-need-to-get-this-shit-fixed-list-cause-nobody-else-is-going-to-do-it and let me tell you its a list.

The last week in a half my oven has not been working, not only has it not been working but every so often out of the blue it will trigger an alarm that is the most terrible sound known to man. I secretly was hoping that it would just fix itself or MFKL would get a wild hair up his ass and surprise me by fixing it, but neither happened and after a week in a half with out it, it was time for me to stop being lazy and just do it. Lets face it, an oven is a moms best friend, instead of slaving over a stove making fried chicken or whatever the heck else, you can just shove some shit in the oven and be done with it.

Moving the oven away from the wall with two little curious boys watching was more than a little challenging, every foot i moved the oven was another car or Lego or penny that the kids needed to grab. Taking the back off the oven was really fun for the boys, i let them us the screwdriver and hold all the screw so they felt involved and important. Plus Mama always gets a thousand kisses from each boy when they help me with workin man jobs. Its a pain in the ass, but what mama wouldn't want happy boys and a thousand kisses?

When we got the back off the oven i noticed that there was a wire that was loose and also a short where the oven/bake button was located. Luckily it was a very easy fix, all i had to do was jam the wire back in and solder the short. All in all it only took me half hour to fix the problem and mop under the oven. Mission accomplished! Now if i could only pull my head out of my ass and get the other eleventy billion things done on my list things would be great.

Quotes (week 3)

1. "Get your cold ass hands off me, there like ice..if you touch me I'm going to hit you!"
2. "Mama, you have a belly. But don't feel bad, its a nice belly and i really like it"
3. "Just call me old bean dick"
4. "Stop looking at me like that, or i will argue with you!"
5. "My super power is the tiger fart"
6. "How am i supposed to be a ninja when i don't have a turtle shell"
7. "Mama, come check out this poop, it huge and green"
8. "Mama, you know what boys like"-Enzo said this as we were drinking tea in our tent fort.
9. "Me and Papa made a batch of beans for dinner, so now we can have family toots"
10. " You caught how many fish grandma? I can't catch that many, it must be because you have a vagina, mama catches lots of fish to and she has a vagina"  

The Dangers Of Being a Stay At Home Mom

I was thinking while i was in the shower today (that's where i do all my best thinking), that there are so many "hazards" being a parent. As in hazardous for me! I started thinking this because i slipped on some soap the boys mashed into the bottom of the tub, than stepped on a toy and pulled the shower curtain off the rod. Hazardous. I have had a lot of jobs that have got me into some scary situations, but I still think i have gotten hurt or almost got hurt more times as a wife and mom than all my other jobs combined. This kinda freaked me out. 

This got me thinking and counting of all the accidents or scary things i have experienced while working a paying job. The first one that comes to mind was when the steering wheel of my work truck came separated from the steering column while driving over a bridge, scary shit! No really i almost shit myself, i had enough sense to try shoving the thing back into the column and luckily it worked! (I'm pretty sure after this day i started carrying an extra pair of clothes, including underwear to work with me everyday.)

As scary as that experience was, it is nothing compared to watching your two year old son do a front flip off the couch right as you walk into the living room. This is one of those times where time stands still, anything moving is in slow motion except for you mind, your mind is racing through all the possibilities of things that can go wrong, ways you kid can get hurt. Which in this instance was shit-ton. Walking into the room and seeing this made me feel like my stomach was going to fall out my ass, way worse than thinking i am going to drive off a bridge. 

When i was working as a laborer building a hospital in Eugene i had a 30ft 4X8 fall and graze my forearm, breaking it. I worked half the day before i couldn't take the pain any longer and told my boss that i thought i broke my arm and was going to the hospital. This hurt a decent amount. You know what hurts worse than a falling piece of lumber breaking your arm? Stepping on a damn army guy at 2am on your way to take a pee, tripping on the bath mat and smacking your head on the corner the the towel rack. That shit hurts way worse.

When i was a bartender i had this really big scary guy call me a cunt when i cut him off. I told the guy to get the fuck out of my bar and when he didn't listen i knew i was going to have to throw him out. I was most definitely scared because the guy was so huge and tipsy and pissed off at me since i told him he couldn't drink anymore. I yelled to the cook upstairs who was also a big scary guy, to come down and help me kick the asshole out, but before he could get down stairs the guy walked up to me and grabbed me by the shoulders and slammed me against the wall. I was sure he was going to hit me before the cook could get downstairs to help. That's when instinct kicked in and i kneed the guy in the balls, grabbed him by the collar of his shirt and pulled him up the stairs and outside. Definitely one of the scarier experiences when i was bar tending.

As unnerving as that incident was, i have a scarier one. Its still way more horrifying when my huge two year old comes running full blast at me screaming "POOP" with questionable brown stuff smeared on his hands. That's a harrowing experience.

Being a stay at home mom is way more hazardous and scary than any job i have ever held and situation i have got myself into. But, at the same time i have never held a job more fun, disgusting, educational and rewarding than being a mom. I don't think one exists. As hazardous every minute is with my boys, i know i couldn't live without them.

Puss Puss the kitten

My boys have this game they call kitty. They made it up all on there own and is by far the game they play the most. It consists of one of them acting like a kitty and the other being the kitty owner. The kitty usually doesn't talk but if it does the boys use a really high pitched voice. They love this game and i like it because they always are really nice to each other when they play. They give each other soft touches and pretty much act like you would around a new baby or baby kitten.

Last night they kids were playing kitty. I was in the kitchen making dinner when i heard this...

"Come here puss puss"
(this caught my attention but i didn't say anything because puss puss isn't bad)

"You need to listen better little pussy. I think i need to give you a bath your a very dirty and stinky pussy. Come on big puss puss lets go for a walk, mama is laughing at us lets go be alone."

OMG, i for a second thought i was dreaming. We don't use the term puss puss or pussy when talking about kittens or cats. I asked Enzo, of course after i was done laughing my ass off, where he heard the term puss puss. He said it was that new show he watched yesterday. Back up to yesterday, i was in the shower and the boys show ended so Enzo took it upon himself to find a new show. I don't exactly remember what he was watching but it was a British show and i guess they use the term puss puss when talking about kittens and cats..Thank God! I was really hoping it wasn't something MFKL was watching and the kids picked up on certain conversations.

The boys don't usually wear costumes when they play kitty or doggy d. (doggy d. is one where they are dogs, lol). But sometimes they do, my boys love to dress up and make believe. This is a picture of Enzo in his doggie d outfit.