Thursday, February 28, 2013

My love of booze was inevitable


I was trying to think of something mildly amusing to write about, and thought that you all might get a kick out of hearing about my first experience in a bar, or be forever horrified.

It was a beautiful summer day in one of the many trendy parts of Portland. I was 16, kinda wild, and hanging out with my mom. She thought it might be fun to dress up in wigs and pretend to be other people and walk around downtown Portland saying and doing weirdo shit and watch peoples expressions. This is something we had done many times and had a kick ass time. 

While we were choosing which wig to wear and how we were going to do our hair, she had the brilliant idea to take me to a bar, not only a bar but a shitty one run by a pimp she knew.

I won't lie, i was excited and little scared because i knew the part of town the bar was in and I'm pretty sure i recognized the name because someone got stabbed there the previous week. But i trusted my mom, or more like, wanted to see if i could get in a bar and drink.

So next we had to make me look older, and make up fake names. This was fun. This is actually one of my most favorite memories of my mom and i together. Because it was summer the air smelt good, the sun was out and we had classic Madonna (Her new music sucks) blaring while we shook our asses!
My mom wanted to wear the blonde wig, which was my fav, but she was my mom so i took the wavy brown one. We decided to make me look older, we would have to put a shit ton of make up on me and wear something low cut since i had huge tits. I remember very vividly my mom saying
"If you show enough tit you can get in anywhere" 
And you know what? She was right.

Now, as a mother i am horrified that there is a mother out there that would not only take there 16 year old to a bar but have them drive you there fully knowing they are going to drink. But as a 16 year old i thought this was fun and bad ass!

Remember me telling you that the bar was run by a pimp? When we walked in, literally the music stopped and everyone looked at us. My mom being the classy lady she is yelled this
"Wooooooo Hooooooo Who's gunna buy me a beer bitches?"
  I laughed all the half dead zombie looking people laughed and someone bought us a round. We were the hottest shit there. We had guys lined up waiting to buy us drinks and guys hanging on our every word. My mother told them we were sisters and she told them some of our adventures we have had.

I was a very mature 16 year old, mainly because of all the shit my mom put me through. But not all of it was bad and not all of it ended in a fiery explosion. I only had 1 beer but very much enjoyed the show my mom put on. She loved it, mainly the attention and free booze, but we both have fond memories of this. After she had to much to drink i took her home, put her to bed and went home myself. I was way to horrified from the shitty bar she took me to, and all the scary bar flies that looked pickled to ever want to sneak into one when i got a little older. So even though that was not my moms intention she managed do something motherly.

Then when i turned 21 i became a bartender, like my mom, and my aunt. In a shit bar where people call you cunts and do coke off toilet seats. I think my first experience in a bar may have had something to do it this decision.


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