Monday, March 4, 2013

My mom

 Most little girls want to grow up like there mothers. They wanna wear mama's shoes, clothes, talk and act like here mama's. They avoid cracks on the sidewalk so they don't break there mama's back. I was different. I STOMPED on cracks, i hated my mom so much. She made my life a living hell, daily. I tried crushing those cracks in the sidewalk every chance i got.

 My mom hands down is one of the worst mothers ever. She is the reason i am so fucked up. I blame her for 90% of my issues. She has done way more harm then not, to me and my sisters. Time after time again she has chosen men, or drugs over her children. She has disappeared many times for weeks and even years without even giving any thought to her children.

My mom is also the reason i am such a good mother. She taught me what not to do. She taught me that children should be the most important thing in your life if you chose to have them. She taught me that a mother should do anything for her family. She also taught me that sometimes love just isn't enough. She taught me to be a strong women.

I was damn lucky to have learned from her mistakes, to see things objectively. She didn't teach me any of these things like a normal mom would. She repeatedly pushed my into a pit of hell over and over and over again. I watched her destroy her life and try to destroy the lives of me and my sisters. I watched her a lot. In fact, i watched her so much i learned from her. I took everything she did and made a mental note, to do the opposite.

I hated my mom for years. She still takes no responsibility for the things she has done, and also the things she failed to do for her children. I haven't forgiven her, I've tried, i just don't think i am capable of it. When you make a decision to have children, i believe you are making a decision to put them before yourself. She won't even admit that the majority of it happened.

I'm still full of anger and resentment towards her, and some other family. If my mom had made one different decision or if one of my aunts or my dad would have made a tough decision instead of turning a blind eye, my sisters lives and mine may have been very different. We may have had a better life, a greater chance of being happy later in life. But nobody did. Nobody was strong enough, nobody had the courage to do what needed to be done.

So, as an 8 year old i had to be stronger then these adults in my life. I had to be courageous, i had to be a mom to my little sisters. I had to steal, lie and cheat to feed my baby sisters, so the adults in our lives could continue to live in denial.

I am still so incredibly pissed at these so called adults. But, i am also a little thankful in a way. I have learned more in my short life, then i thought possible. I know who i am. I have been tried and despite my moms best efforts, i am a strong, smart, loving women, because of the things i was put through. The things i had to deal with as a kid, were horrible but made me into the person i am today and today i rock! Am i completely fucked up? YES, but i rock. I rock as a mom, my kids rock, my sisters rock despite all this shit.

I finally feel like i might be able to work through some of this shit. At the very least finally talk about it. I feel like i have a huge gaping hole in my chest, sometimes. I guess i will leave you with a quote.

 “People are afraid of themselves, of their own reality; their feelings most of all. People talk about how great love is, but that’s bullshit. Love hurts. Feelings are disturbing. People are taught that pain is evil and dangerous. How can they deal with love if they’re afraid to feel? Pain is meant to wake us up. People try to hide their pain. But they’re wrong. Pain is something to carry, like a radio. You feel your strength in the experience of pain. It’s all in how you carry it. That’s what matters. Pain is a feeling. Your feelings are a part of you. Your own reality. If you feel ashamed of them, and hide them, you’re letting society destroy your reality. You should stand up for your right to feel your pain.”
Jim Morrison

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