Meeting MFKL

I have recently had a few people ask me how MFKL and i met. It's kind of a funny story, not a real romantic one and not one i will tell our boys until they get older, but i guess that's kind of our style.

We met in Seaside at a party. This guy from Safeway had been asking me for about a month to come to one of his sexy parties, i thought he was kinda creepy so i made something up everytime he asked. I finally got sick of him asking, i went to the store almost everyday and had to turn him down everyday. I told him i didn't have plans for the first part of the night but i might have to leave early due to something or another, i don't remember exactly what i told him, i just knew i might need a excuse to leave at some point.

When i got there, there was only 4 people and they were all guys. Not really my idea of a sexy party but i was willing to at least stay to learn peoples names. Because Seaside is such a small town i already knew about half of the people (and i wasn't impressed with them) which left only two. One was named Jack and he was doing some drugs so, i was not really interested in getting to know him and the other was named MFKL.

When i got there he was drinking homemade cider on the balcony outside over looking the river. As i was being introduced to the only other guy MFKL walked in and shook my hand and introduced himself. It wasn't to long before a few other people showed up and everyone but MFKL and i were doing some sort of drugs which we were not really into. So we stepped outside on the balcony and drank beer and talked.

He told me the host was a weirdo and this was the last one of his sexy parties he was going to and i told him this was my first and my last because he was a creep and kept bugging me. He asked me about my tattoo's and him about his cider he was drinking and made himself. It was getting late and i had to work in the morning(this was when i was doing concrete). I was enjoying getting to know MFKL but did not like the environment we were in, the "sexy" party was getting really weird.

MFKL walked me to my truck. I should add that he was incredibly drunk, the cider he made had wormwood in it and was so potent that you would get a hangover while drinking it. While he was walking me to my truck he pulled out his dick, lol. I know how this sounds but it was really funny and kind of endearing. I didn't feel weird or afraid one bit, he is just a really goofy guy who is pretty sure of himself.  He asked me to touch it kind of giggling and i told him i had to go, giggling myself. This was my first encounter with a drunk MFKL and we parted ways with me smiling and laughing. 

We didn't exchange phone numbers and neither of us knew where each other lived. About a week or two later i was grocery shopping with my sisters and we were in the wine aisle buying pasta when the wine steward walked up to me and asked "Did we meet last week? Are you Brittnee?" I was a little surprised he remembered because he was so tipsy and a little surprised he recognized me because i was in my work clothes, something way different than my "party clothes". I was basically covered in concrete, wearing jeans, boots, a hickory and a hat, lol. I was also thrown a little off because i didn't know he was the wine steward.

He asked for my number that day while i was picking up some pasta and have been almost inseparable since. Again, not a really romantic story but funny and memorable to me. 

How Lucky Am I?

My oldest son Enzo is either going to grow up and be gay or, the sweetest most sensitive heterosexual man alive. I swear this little boy knows exactly what to say, how to say it and when to say it.
Now don't get me wrong, he does say things like "Your boobs look like old lady boobs" and "You have a belly mama." But i forget about all those things when he says incredibly sweet things.

This morning guess what he said? We were listening to Queen and the song "Your my best friend" came on. I hadn't even noticed, it was kinda in the background as i was cleaning the kitchen and Enzo comes in and says..
"Mama, i love this song, turn it up"
I stopped what i was doing and started listening.
I said "oh yeah, this is Queen, this is a good song"
Enzo said
"No mama, this is our song, cause your my best friend"
Oh, my goodness, my day went from being mediocre to being awesome with one little sweet sentence out of my sons mouth. I am so lucky to have such a sensitive and caring son, i just hope he still thinks I'm his best friend when he's a teenager.

Recent Absence

I am going to try and write, try and explain or at least give try to give you some sort of excuse why I haven't been on here. Its not that I haven't wanted to jump on the computer and write, its just been painful. I know that makes no sense, but i have been kinda down for awhile now and it just kinda hit me like a brick to the head last week.

This is going to be a rant/journal/attempt to get something out on paper kinda post. Its just going to be whats been on my mind the last week. I think if i get this shit out, it will give me the push to start writing other things down. Maybe even some funny stuff. I have a shit ton of stuff to write, i have still been writing, i just haven't been putting on paper or writing it on the computer, the mere thought of sitting down to write has been exhausting. 

Let me start by saying, my thoughts and feelings have been a big ball of chaos recently and will most likely look and sound like it in my writing. So, good luck. With that said...

I was recently supposed to go have a beer with one of my mothers sisters. She is the only one out of the bunch that i have really looked up to. She has always kinda seemed like she had her shit together, she was the only one that was an actual good mom. We hadn't really been talking much with both of us being busy and also her not liking my husband and thinking he is "going" to be abusive someday and telling my little sister this(ugh, people need to keep there opinions to themselves sometimes). We had talked on the phone and i guess she has been writing some stuff and trying to get it published or winning a contest or something and i told her also that i had been writing. I told her about my blog and told her it was about everything and anything that pops into my head including my childhood.

So like i said, we were supposed to go have a beer and i am sure now that she read my post "the monster inside me" and got pissed off or offended and that's why she has cancelled on me so many times. In the post i said that all my moms siblings were cowards for not doing anything but bring us groceries when shit was really terrible. Non of them really had the guts to do something that would have really helped us out of the situation because of one reason or another. I think she read this, i think maybe it hurt her feelings.

I have also been feeling a little like I'm betraying my mom. I talk with her everyday. Yes, she was a world class fuck up, yes there was a time that i hated her. She was a really terrible mom but, she is a great grandma. She has changed, if she was the same person today that she used to be, she would not be around me or my children. I have tried to talk with her about things from when my sisters and i were little but she either refuses to talk about it or completely denies it all. The only times i have been able to get her to say anything, is when she is drunk and than its usually her yelling at me saying "So what, i was a terrible mom, is that what you want to hear?? Get off your high fucking horse."

This makes it kinda hard for me to move on from it. I know it wont change a damn thing, i don't expect her to apologize, i just want acknowledgment, i want to feel like i didn't make it all up. Some of the things that happened, are hard to believe are true. Reality truly is stranger than fiction and more fucked up. I feel bad after i write shit about her, i shouldn't but i do. She's not the same person and when i write about her past and mine i almost feel like I'm attacking her because she can't defend herself.  She doesn't read my blog and I'm sure if she did she would be hurt that i have written about my childhood, that i have wrote things that make her look bad. Writing anything about her or my childhood hurts. It hurts so terrible that i almost never do. It hurts thinking about it, it hurts writing it and it really hurts reading it. It makes me feel bad for my mom and I'm not entirely sure why.

This is all for now. I know this doesn't seem like much, and its not everything, but this has been weighing on me. After making myself sit and type i do feel a little better and i generally do when i write, the action of doing it can be incredibly hard sometimes.

When Strange Dreams Get Bizarre

I think i have had one of the strangest sex dreams i have ever had and i have had some really out there erotic dreams. Just to give you a little background, i love Miles Davis (can you see where this is going?) and i love Chopin. I adore my butt rock and my 90's grunge but, there is something that really speaks to me about Miles and Chopin's music (I think i might have to write another post about my love of them both later).

I am sure you have an idea where this is going right? In my dream i am living in this big tall building in Paris. I have a love triangle going with Chopin and Davis. The three of us live in the same building, one of them actually lives above me and the other in the floor below. As you can imagine this arrangement is strange and very uncomfortable at times. I don't really remember what time period this took place in because all three of us were young, but if i had to guess, i would say the 60's.

I kept waking up to pee and thinking man this is soooo incredibly fucked up and every time i went back to sleep my dream would pick up right where it left off. Why this never happens when I'm having a normal enjoyable sex dream i will never know.

Basically i was a whore in my dream and slept with them both and occasionally we would all get together and smoke weed, drink wine, listen to music and fool around. I remember thinking 'man, this dream is so weird' but was more than a little intrigued at what might happen next. I was down right uncomfortable at times and wish that i would just wake up and save myself from this bizzaro world i was dreaming but it was the never ending dream.

Finally after what seemed like months, Chopin moved back to Warsaw and Miles Davis met some french floozy and i moved back to the states. When i arrived home, MFKL and the boys were waiting for me, which makes this dream that much more bizarre. Good grief, the hell is wrong with me? I must have some weird shit going on in the dark depths of my mind.

WMM And The Dumb F-ing Oven

As moms we have a wide array of jobs we have to do. If it isn't making someone food, cleaning up someones mess or wiping someones ass, your trying to find ways to keep yourself from freaking out or going crazy.

As WMM i have few other things i am responsible for. My husband is not mechanically inclined at all. Its not that he isn't smart enough to figure things out, its that he doesn't have the patients or the desire. So that leaves me to fix the shit. I have my own version of a honey-do-list, Its called bitch-you-need-to-get-this-shit-fixed-list-cause-nobody-else-is-going-to-do-it and let me tell you its a list.

The last week in a half my oven has not been working, not only has it not been working but every so often out of the blue it will trigger an alarm that is the most terrible sound known to man. I secretly was hoping that it would just fix itself or MFKL would get a wild hair up his ass and surprise me by fixing it, but neither happened and after a week in a half with out it, it was time for me to stop being lazy and just do it. Lets face it, an oven is a moms best friend, instead of slaving over a stove making fried chicken or whatever the heck else, you can just shove some shit in the oven and be done with it.

Moving the oven away from the wall with two little curious boys watching was more than a little challenging, every foot i moved the oven was another car or Lego or penny that the kids needed to grab. Taking the back off the oven was really fun for the boys, i let them us the screwdriver and hold all the screw so they felt involved and important. Plus Mama always gets a thousand kisses from each boy when they help me with workin man jobs. Its a pain in the ass, but what mama wouldn't want happy boys and a thousand kisses?

When we got the back off the oven i noticed that there was a wire that was loose and also a short where the oven/bake button was located. Luckily it was a very easy fix, all i had to do was jam the wire back in and solder the short. All in all it only took me half hour to fix the problem and mop under the oven. Mission accomplished! Now if i could only pull my head out of my ass and get the other eleventy billion things done on my list things would be great.

Quotes (week 3)

1. "Get your cold ass hands off me, there like ice..if you touch me I'm going to hit you!"
2. "Mama, you have a belly. But don't feel bad, its a nice belly and i really like it"
3. "Just call me old bean dick"
4. "Stop looking at me like that, or i will argue with you!"
5. "My super power is the tiger fart"
6. "How am i supposed to be a ninja when i don't have a turtle shell"
7. "Mama, come check out this poop, it huge and green"
8. "Mama, you know what boys like"-Enzo said this as we were drinking tea in our tent fort.
9. "Me and Papa made a batch of beans for dinner, so now we can have family toots"
10. " You caught how many fish grandma? I can't catch that many, it must be because you have a vagina, mama catches lots of fish to and she has a vagina"  

The Dangers Of Being a Stay At Home Mom

I was thinking while i was in the shower today (that's where i do all my best thinking), that there are so many "hazards" being a parent. As in hazardous for me! I started thinking this because i slipped on some soap the boys mashed into the bottom of the tub, than stepped on a toy and pulled the shower curtain off the rod. Hazardous. I have had a lot of jobs that have got me into some scary situations, but I still think i have gotten hurt or almost got hurt more times as a wife and mom than all my other jobs combined. This kinda freaked me out. 

This got me thinking and counting of all the accidents or scary things i have experienced while working a paying job. The first one that comes to mind was when the steering wheel of my work truck came separated from the steering column while driving over a bridge, scary shit! No really i almost shit myself, i had enough sense to try shoving the thing back into the column and luckily it worked! (I'm pretty sure after this day i started carrying an extra pair of clothes, including underwear to work with me everyday.)

As scary as that experience was, it is nothing compared to watching your two year old son do a front flip off the couch right as you walk into the living room. This is one of those times where time stands still, anything moving is in slow motion except for you mind, your mind is racing through all the possibilities of things that can go wrong, ways you kid can get hurt. Which in this instance was shit-ton. Walking into the room and seeing this made me feel like my stomach was going to fall out my ass, way worse than thinking i am going to drive off a bridge. 

When i was working as a laborer building a hospital in Eugene i had a 30ft 4X8 fall and graze my forearm, breaking it. I worked half the day before i couldn't take the pain any longer and told my boss that i thought i broke my arm and was going to the hospital. This hurt a decent amount. You know what hurts worse than a falling piece of lumber breaking your arm? Stepping on a damn army guy at 2am on your way to take a pee, tripping on the bath mat and smacking your head on the corner the the towel rack. That shit hurts way worse.

When i was a bartender i had this really big scary guy call me a cunt when i cut him off. I told the guy to get the fuck out of my bar and when he didn't listen i knew i was going to have to throw him out. I was most definitely scared because the guy was so huge and tipsy and pissed off at me since i told him he couldn't drink anymore. I yelled to the cook upstairs who was also a big scary guy, to come down and help me kick the asshole out, but before he could get down stairs the guy walked up to me and grabbed me by the shoulders and slammed me against the wall. I was sure he was going to hit me before the cook could get downstairs to help. That's when instinct kicked in and i kneed the guy in the balls, grabbed him by the collar of his shirt and pulled him up the stairs and outside. Definitely one of the scarier experiences when i was bar tending.

As unnerving as that incident was, i have a scarier one. Its still way more horrifying when my huge two year old comes running full blast at me screaming "POOP" with questionable brown stuff smeared on his hands. That's a harrowing experience.

Being a stay at home mom is way more hazardous and scary than any job i have ever held and situation i have got myself into. But, at the same time i have never held a job more fun, disgusting, educational and rewarding than being a mom. I don't think one exists. As hazardous every minute is with my boys, i know i couldn't live without them.

Puss Puss the kitten

My boys have this game they call kitty. They made it up all on there own and is by far the game they play the most. It consists of one of them acting like a kitty and the other being the kitty owner. The kitty usually doesn't talk but if it does the boys use a really high pitched voice. They love this game and i like it because they always are really nice to each other when they play. They give each other soft touches and pretty much act like you would around a new baby or baby kitten.

Last night they kids were playing kitty. I was in the kitchen making dinner when i heard this...

"Come here puss puss"
(this caught my attention but i didn't say anything because puss puss isn't bad)

"You need to listen better little pussy. I think i need to give you a bath your a very dirty and stinky pussy. Come on big puss puss lets go for a walk, mama is laughing at us lets go be alone."

OMG, i for a second thought i was dreaming. We don't use the term puss puss or pussy when talking about kittens or cats. I asked Enzo, of course after i was done laughing my ass off, where he heard the term puss puss. He said it was that new show he watched yesterday. Back up to yesterday, i was in the shower and the boys show ended so Enzo took it upon himself to find a new show. I don't exactly remember what he was watching but it was a British show and i guess they use the term puss puss when talking about kittens and cats..Thank God! I was really hoping it wasn't something MFKL was watching and the kids picked up on certain conversations.

The boys don't usually wear costumes when they play kitty or doggy d. (doggy d. is one where they are dogs, lol). But sometimes they do, my boys love to dress up and make believe. This is a picture of Enzo in his doggie d outfit.

Mama Time

I have been feeling kinda funky lately, not quite depressed or down but just kinda out of it. I know part of it has to do with my husbands sleep disorder, he has been acting crazy the last 6 nights in a row and it has been exhausting me. When he is on a roll like this its hard for me to sleep, when i do sleep its not restfull, i kinda just close my eyes waiting. I feel like I'm going to burst into flames or tears at any moment and either would be OK.

My kids have been acting up. I know they sense mama is teetering between mental stability and cooky as shit,  so they keep line stepping just to see if they can give me that little push i need in either direction. MFKL asked me last night if i needed to get out of the house he said i look like I'm going to break at any moment and well, yes i do need to get out, but not just down to the coffee shop to get a caffeine boost at 7pm.

I feel like it is nearly impossible to find good mommy friends. All the ones i have had, are either yuppie bitches that piss me off or they are terrible mothers and i want to kick them in the vagina. For this reason, i have either stopped talking to them or there was some kind of altercation that caused us to split ways. Most of my friends who are not mommies, are from when i was a bartender and only want to talk about how many cocks they can shove in there mouth while chugging expensive booze. I am at a loss, i need to find some new mommies to hang with and have fancy cocktails with or my good friends without kids need to start growing some babies in there respectable uteri. I need some mommies to hang with, at the very least i need to get out of the house!

Being a mother and wife is hard as shit! Finding the balance between my happiness, my kids and my husbands is almost nearly impossible at times. Living off one income is difficult on the very best of days. This, as I'm sure you know if you have experienced it, is very stressful, on everyone in the house. I think us moms try to take it all on. We try to shelter the ones we love and take whatever unnecessary stress, anxiety or worry from them so they don't have experience it. But, the fact still remains that most of us don't have an adequate outlet that lets us release all the excess bullshit we take from others, and thus we feel overwhelmed and ill-equipped.

Last night i took a little time for myself after putting the kids to bed and watching Jeopardy with MFKL. I love to take baths but almost never do. By the time i have the time to take a relaxing one, i am usually to tired to run the bath at lay down. I know that sounds strange but, its true. Last night i made the time to take a bath and i loved it! It was just what i needed, it gave me that extra little boost i needed so i wouldn't suffocate my husband in his sleep and drown my kids in the bath.

My girlfriend gave me a Plush bath fizzy a few weeks ago and i finally used it last night. It made my skin so soft! Let me back up a little, i planned my bath, lol. I lit some candles, i made a sandwich(yes a sandwich),  grabbed a beer and finally ran my bath and put a little music on. As i lay in my bathtub drinking my beer and eating my sandwich, i was finally relaxed, for the first time in a long time. Let me just add that i know eating in the tub sounds incredibly weird and borderline disgusting, but it is a almost mind-blowing experience. The hot water, the steam coming off my cold beer as i lift it to my lips. The crunch in my sandwich from the cucumber and pepperoncini's, all while the bath fizzy softens my skin and soothes my aching muscles. Pure nirvana. I know...I'm sick in the head, but it was relaxing and nourishing at the same time and how can you say no to that?

I was finally feeling better, not so funky, at lest i wasn't smelling funky. Because with boys lets face it, at the end of the day sometimes things are a little funky. I don't think i can tell you how many times i found mud, little sticks or even boogers from my boys in my hair at the end of the day. Yes that's a booger in my hair...sorry hunny..wanna make-out?

Today is a new day, i feel a little rejuvenated. My bath and sandwich made a difference. I know i need to work a little harder at finding time for myself, doing nice things for myself or i will end up in a bad place. As mom's we have a fuck-trillion things we have to get done everyday, and thinking of adding one more thing to the list is a little daunting at times. But doing something for yourself is a necessity, i have to remind myself this often. To keep a somewhat balanced household, i have to remember i am the middle piece that holds all the others together. If I'm falling apart so does the house, i may like eating sandwiches in the bath tub and that may make me a quirky gal, but I'm not nutty yet, I don't want to be out of my mind and my house to falling apart. So to keep that from happening i know i need to start making more of an effort of doing things for me...or i will go bat shit crazy and you know, we work hard as moms and damn well deserve it.

Fun Day Sunday

This last Sunday MFKL and i took the kids out and got some Lebanese food, which they loved! It was the first time we had taken them to an authentic Lebanese place to eat. My boys love hummus, veggies, lamb, yogurt, and homemade pita bread, so they were in utter heaven. I am pretty sure they ate more than MFKL and i.

The restaurant was very authentic except for the Hispanic's cooking in the kitchen and the Justin Timberlake playing on the stereo.  But, if you could get around those things, Nicolas is a great place to eat real Lebanese if you are in Portland. We definitely will be going back soon.

The next stop on our fun day Sunday adventure was to the nickle arcade, which the boys love. I love it on the weekdays because there is nobody there except for other little kids and usually very few at that. But, (sigh) it was what the boys wanted to do so MFKL and i downed a couple beers and off we went.

It was very busy and there were plenty of adults there without kids and kids without adults. We signed up a few months back for there loyalty program, whatever the fuck that means. Every so often they send us coupons for free entry and free nickles. So we only end up spending $10 on nickles and about 2 hours playing games. Meaning we get more than our money's worth. We ended up with 2020 tickets to buy prizes with at the end of our trip. The boys got of course candy, a robot arm grabber thing and also a helicopter that you can launch into the air over 100 feet. Best of all, i only had to stare down two parents and one kid, i think this was the most positive trip to the nickle arcade ever.

When we got home we enjoyed a much needed beer and let the kids play outside in between rain showers. All in all a good day, we even got the car cleaned out and some projects started in the lady cave when papa was taking a nap. It only took took two minutes to put the kids to bed they were so tired. I love nights where there is no fighting them to go to sleep and i have time to spend with MFKL without the kids before he has to go to bed. Mission acomplished!

Bonus=Boner

Both my boys call there erections a "Bonus". As in "Look i got a bonus". This all started because my husband, when the boys were little, used to say boner whenever they had one. When Enzo stated to get a little older i told MFKL he needed to start calling it something else. I didn't want little Enzo running around at great grandma's house saying boner!

 A couple weeks went by and i had almost got MFKL to stop pointing out the kids boners, it was very hard for him though because he was so proud of his little boys pee pee's lol, must be a daddy thing. I was changing Enzo's diaper and he said
"Papa, look i got a bonus"
I wasn't sure at first what i had heard, i asked him again what he said and sure enough he said bonus not boner, which was really funny and also something he could say without great grandma getting offended so it stuck. I am still not sure if he forgot the word papa was using or if he had just been hearing it wrong the whole time, but regardless it was funny and something we all started saying.

Since that day we have called all boners, bonus. This has caused some confusion though for the kids. For example, my dad was visiting us a few weeks ago and he was asking about my husbands bonus at work, the extra money he gets from doing a good job. Enzo was very confused. He walked up to me a few minutes after my dad left and he said
"Why was grandpa talking about papa's pee pee? I thought it wasn't polite to talk about other peoples pee pee's" 
This wasn't the only time we had some confusion. MFKL often takes the boys on little adventures with him on the weekends so i can have a little time for myself or catch up on the house work without the kids up my butt. On this day he had taken Enzo with him to the bank. The gal they were talking to had mentioned a bonus if we were to deposit some money or move something around because when they got home Enzo told me that the lady at the bank was talking to papa about his pee pee and was really confused because your not supposed to talk to strangers about your privets. I'm sure you can imagine my suprise and MFKL when he said this, i wish i would have taken a picture of MFKL face when Enzo put forth his information!

This is where that quote came from in my week 2 blog post. Porter was running and poked himself on the corner of the table right in the "bonus".

My family as I'm sure yours, has lots of little inside jokes and sayings, but i have to say this is one of the gems. My sisters now say bonus and so do friends, i think this is one we will be saying even after the boys grow up and quit saying it.

Weekly Quotes (week 2)

1. "Get your fingers out of my ass"
2. "Get a leg, bitch!"
3. "My butt smells like garbage"
4. "Don't call her MOM, she's my MAMA!"
5. "I wanna be a mama like you when i grow up"-remember i have boys
6. "Ouch, i hit my bonus"-I will explain this in a upcoming blog post, bonus=boner.
7. "Mama, i think i would like a bath with candles and a fancy drink, i deserve it after today"
8. "I want to watch swords of the wings"-meaning Lord of the rings
9. "I'm going to dream about the nickle arcade tonight"
10. "Great grandpa is really old...but really happy, so its ok"

Expressing Feelings Can Be Funny

I have been teaching my boys to express themselves verbally. Like if they are happy they should say so, it might make someones day or if they are sad they should speak up so we can do something to make them feel better. It's been working really well and have had less fits thrown.

My youngest Porter was having a hard day last week. Anything and everything Enzo and i did made him more mad. I finally asked Poe if he was grumpy, he of course said yes, so i told him that he needs to tell me when he is grumpy so Enzo and i can be more sensitive around him and give him a little more space than normal so we don't unintentionally make him more mad.

Since this happened, everyday Poe will walk out from his nap and say
"I grumpy"

I ask him everytime why are you grumpy? You don't have to be grumpy, what can i do to make you happy? And this is what he tells me
"I grumpy, I wanna be grumpy, just let me be grumpy!"

This has gotten to the point that i hysterically laugh out load when he says it. I am fairly certain he does it on purpose now to make me laugh. Most of the time he says it now, he is smiling.
This is Poe's grumpy face! He also has tiger scratches on his face from the rose bushes he fell into while we were gardening.

I will never have to vacuum again!

What did i ever do so right in this life to deserve a little boy who loves to vacuum?

I have to normally fight tooth and nail to get him to clean his room, but if i tell him he can vacuum his room only if his toys are cleaned up, its clean in like 2 minutes. I love my little Fire Ball, he loves to clean, he loves to rub my back, he loves flowers and jewelry, he tells me daily that I'm very pretty (even though he thinks boobs and vaginas are really gross) and throws way fewer fits then his brother and papa. I think he may be the only perfect man in the world.

Boobs

I saw this picture on another blog and it made me think of my sweet Beefcake.

 One day after i got out of the shower Beefcake was watching, more like staring at my boobs while i was putting my bra on. I giggled a little and asked him what he was looking at. He said "Boobs". I laughed and then asked him "do you like boobs?" he smiled shook his head up and down and said "Love them!" My little two year old is already just like is daddy.

Are All my Neighbors Douchebags?

 The boys and i were just outside doing some yard work in the front yard, when the neighbor(not the ones i yelled at last week, lol) started dry heaving...For five minutes! I was a little worried for her, and disgusted. My boys were both looking at me and i wasn't sure if i should bring them in the house because they seriously looked freaked out, or to just wait it out.

When the lady finally stopped Enzo said
"hey lady, you should see a doctor"
I smiled and laughed a little bit, my boy shows concern for everyone, he really is the sweetest little boy ever! She yelled through the fence,
"Mind you own damn business!"
I was about to bitch this lady out because as you all know by now i have some anger issues and don't like people being assholes or bullies to my babies when Enzo yells back at her..
"oh yeah, well get a life lady!"
I laughed really hard out loud.  I immediately gave my boy a high five, and told him good job for sticking up for yourself. The lady didn't say a damn thing after that and how could you? You just got schooled by a cute 3 year old! My kids rock! 

Beer and Condoms

I was at the store the other day, standing in the check out line when i saw a guy a couple people ahead of me buying beer and condoms. He was trying to look inconspicuous but failing because the check out gal was blushing and giggling a little under breath and there were a shit ton of people.

 I smiled, not because I'm a creeper but because it reminded me of when MFKL and i were at the store about a month after Enzo was born. I hadn't yet been put on birth control but was finally able to have sex. So, not wanting to have another baby so f-ing soon(which we did), we did the responsible thing and went to buy condoms and beer and wine and Gardetto's rye chips cause they all go so well together. 

The store wasn't busy, not that it would have mattered buying condoms and alcohol is not embarrassing at all. In fact there is very little that does embarrass me. But the clerk at the register was young and clearly embarrassed for us. I really didn't think anything of the the products we were buying, i was more concerned on getting home and using them all. I did feel bad for the gal though, it took everything she had not to look us in the eye, i could tell she wanted to laugh but somehow restrained the urge.

After she bagged up our items, with a really read face she looked up and said have a good afternoon. I smiled back and said "Now that i have all this, you know it!" She giggled a little and MFKL said "I can't believe you said that" I shot him a look like, you really can't believe i wouldn't say something? He laughed really hard and said "ok, I'm not surprised". Shopping with me is fun! I think that's why MFKL does it all by himself now.

Pussy Flap

Have you ever used an excuse to get out of having sex with someone? I know we all have, for one reason or another.

I recently had a male friend of mine tell me the best one i have ever heard...and it worked!  We were sitting in a bar having a drink and he was talking about getting back together with his ex-girlfriend. They have been off and on for like 15 years, there last separation being something like two years. He told me they were fooling around the other night and she told him that they couldn't have sex, he asked her why and she said she physical can't...its a medical problem that the doctor doesn't think she should mess with at the moment, he then got all quite. 

At this point i was very intrigued. I wanted to shout at him "so...whats her problem?" but i somehow managed to restrain myself and waited for him to finish. He said

Him:"She has a piece of skin covering her vagina."

Me: (totally shocked and fascinated)"What? You mean like a pussy flap? Have you seen it?"
I was a little embarrassed at my bevy of questions and my level of curiosity, but not enough to stop myself. 

Him: "I haven't seen it, and yes it's a flap that covers everything"

Me: "The whole thing? (him nodding, me laughing) Dude, she made that up. She didn't want to have sex with you. How would she pee if the whole thing was covered up?"

Him: "Are you serious? That's not a real lady issue? 

Me: "You are an idiot!"

I literally spit beer all over the bar when he told me, i couldn't believe she would make something up like that and i can't believe that he is such a moron to believe it.

Have you ever used an excuse? If so, what? I don't think there is a better one then PUSSY FLAP!

Call me Batman

This is what i heard this morning before i even opened my eyes. Of course the boys magically ended up in the big bed.

Beefcake: Fire Ball wake up, up, open eyes

Fire Ball: (Really long moan, Grunt and then a fart)

Beefcake: Fire Ball up now, go get bad guys

Fire Ball: Don't call me Fire Ball, my name, my name is Batman...

Beefcake: Batman, get up, get bad guys now! 

Fire Ball even talks with his own version of a Christian Bale type raspy voice.

Eat your heart out Christen Bale.

The mystery in my marriage is gone

Let my start off by saying my husband is a very very harry man but he wishes he wasn't, so he Nairs. Now normally he would buy this brand

Its made for men and according to MFKL works better because you can leave it on a little longer without burning the crap out of the area's your removing hair.
MFKL could not find this specific brand at the store recently, so he had to ask an employee with shame in his eyes where he could find the Nair. Because my husband wanted to keep what dignity he has left, said it was for his wife, so the clerk lead to this.

Like i said earlier MFKL likes the brand for men cause you can keep it on longer. MFKL usually Nair's the regular spots arm pits, chest, and pubic area but got some wild hair up his ass and decided to Nair his butt hole. Yes i said butt hole. I don't know if any of you have ever Naired, but sometimes if you leave it on to long it will give you something kinda like a sun burn and when your hair starts to grow back they can get ingrown and you get a zit type thing. Need i say more?

MFKL got a huge nasty ingrown hair and zit on his very sensitive asshole and mildly burned his skin where the sun most definitely has never shined.  Unfortunately for me on many levels my husband is a bit of a wussy when it comes to certain things and could not for the life of him bring himself to pinch his butt hole zit but was in, as he put it, a horrible amount of pain. 

So yet again with shame in his eyes, asked me to "look at" his butt hole. He spent several days trying to deal with it himself but was unable to relieve the horrible pain. So laughing hysterically told my husband i would totally "check out" his butt hole and if need be pop the zit bugging him. He was horrified that he had to ask me to do this, i however thought it was funny especially since i told him not to Nair his butt hole in the first place.

Yep the mystery was over, and the zit popped and you now know more about me and MFKL then I'm sure you ever wanted to know.

"The elements of a good turd"

So my newly potty trained son and i were talking in the bathroom today while he was going number 2 and he said to me "mama, do you know what the elements of a good turd are?"
Me laughing really hard trying to answer him but not able to get anything out he says "well do you? Let me just tell you, 1. celery 2. hummus 3. crackers 4. carrots. If you eat those things it will make a really good poop!"
Oh my god, i seriously laughed for a half hour after he told me "the elements of a good turd". I am very proud of my son for several reasons after hearing his thoughts. 1 He is using the potty and has only had one accident since he started using the potty. 2. he is only 3 and knows the word elements, and used it properly in a sentence. 3. He knows that if he eats high fiber food he will make a "really good poop".
Boys are fun!

Happiness

I want happiness.
I want to wake up in the morning
refreshed and bright eyed.
I want to sleep, sound and regularly.
I want to laugh and not feel like crying
I want to watch the sunrise and set
with my children and feel something.
I want to feel like i need people.
I want to feel more than hurt and sad.
I want to feel like writing and sharing.
I want to feel like i help, instead of hinder.
I want to feel like one drink really is one drink
I want to feel at home
I want to feel like me
I want to feel...
I want to feel..
I want to feel.
i want
i
ME

I don't want to be told what to feel
I don't want to be told what to do
I don't want to feel scared
I don't want to feel like my world is imploding
I don't want to feel worthless
I don't want to wonder or wander
I want to be me and feel
like me.

SHE WAS:
broken
endangered
absurd
awkward
bizarre
clumsy
irrational
simple
depraved
vulgar
indecent
irrelevant
skeptical
ashen
I AM:
authentic
controversial
humorous
loyal
handy
strong
crafty
rational
strong willed
adaptable
logical
optimistic
mom
me

My Mom (poem)

She gave me life but made me feel like death.
How can you love someone who sucks the life out of you?
How do you explain the anguish,
The collapse of your being,
The distrust and misery.
She made me feel like it was me.
That this was normal.
This is life, this is my life.
So you distort yourself, you fold,
twist and yield who you are
for the love that should be instinctual.
But, the only instinctual fiber in her being was her betrayal.
Love wasn't something she was capable of portraying.
Her children were burdens, burdens to everyone.
She let her children become deadweight,
because she was a dead beat.
She was a coward
she is a coward
she is my mom.
she is my nightmare
she is my guilt
my pain
my hate.
She is the the cause of the gaping open wound in my heart
the always throbbing always oozing wound.
she is my mom
she gave me life, she made me feel like death.

Serrenity Now Or Hoochie Mama Whatever You Prefer

So i have decided to quit drinking(not altogether, i will still have an occasional drink), not for the more obvious reason of possibly liking the drink a little to much, but because i am tired of my fat ass. If I'm getting technical its not my ass i need to lose (my ass is quite great!), It's my gunt or my not so lovely muffin top that i need to lose. I am confident that if i stop drinking all the excess calories and carbs from beer and wine, i will lose a fuck ton of weight.

I am counting on all of you to keep me honest and remind me why i am doing this because it will be a tough feat, for me. If you don't hear from me much after this first week, its because I'm in prison for running my husband over with the car and drowning my kids in the bath. Deep sigh. I know i can do this! I did this for over 4 years because of being pregnant and or breast feeding. Sorry i am trying to psyche myself up and its not working. You know why? Water doesn't taste like yummy beer or vodka and coke. (Instead of coke i wrote cock at first and laughed for about 5 minutes, before starting to write again)

You wanna know how serious i am about this? I have 5 gallons of hard cider that just got done brewing and i only had one glass last night and turned down MFKL for another. I decided waking up with a semi hang over the first day of my no alcohol diet would be a little counter productive. I could have had a few glasses already today but have showed a little restraint and have drank water and plain diet coke, oh and coffee lots of coffee. Believe it or not i don't drink as much coffee when i am drinking water. I should totally be in psycho bitch mode but i feel really great! I am hoping my body thanks me by shedding some of this weight i am carrying around with me.

Anyway, enough of the babbling bullshit. I am going to try really hard, i am excited to not be fat anymore. I want to be able to jump the fence in my back yard with more grace the next time i have to scare the shit out of the neighbor kid.