Recent Absence

I am going to try and write, try and explain or at least give try to give you some sort of excuse why I haven't been on here. Its not that I haven't wanted to jump on the computer and write, its just been painful. I know that makes no sense, but i have been kinda down for awhile now and it just kinda hit me like a brick to the head last week.

This is going to be a rant/journal/attempt to get something out on paper kinda post. Its just going to be whats been on my mind the last week. I think if i get this shit out, it will give me the push to start writing other things down. Maybe even some funny stuff. I have a shit ton of stuff to write, i have still been writing, i just haven't been putting on paper or writing it on the computer, the mere thought of sitting down to write has been exhausting. 

Let me start by saying, my thoughts and feelings have been a big ball of chaos recently and will most likely look and sound like it in my writing. So, good luck. With that said...

I was recently supposed to go have a beer with one of my mothers sisters. She is the only one out of the bunch that i have really looked up to. She has always kinda seemed like she had her shit together, she was the only one that was an actual good mom. We hadn't really been talking much with both of us being busy and also her not liking my husband and thinking he is "going" to be abusive someday and telling my little sister this(ugh, people need to keep there opinions to themselves sometimes). We had talked on the phone and i guess she has been writing some stuff and trying to get it published or winning a contest or something and i told her also that i had been writing. I told her about my blog and told her it was about everything and anything that pops into my head including my childhood.

So like i said, we were supposed to go have a beer and i am sure now that she read my post "the monster inside me" and got pissed off or offended and that's why she has cancelled on me so many times. In the post i said that all my moms siblings were cowards for not doing anything but bring us groceries when shit was really terrible. Non of them really had the guts to do something that would have really helped us out of the situation because of one reason or another. I think she read this, i think maybe it hurt her feelings.

I have also been feeling a little like I'm betraying my mom. I talk with her everyday. Yes, she was a world class fuck up, yes there was a time that i hated her. She was a really terrible mom but, she is a great grandma. She has changed, if she was the same person today that she used to be, she would not be around me or my children. I have tried to talk with her about things from when my sisters and i were little but she either refuses to talk about it or completely denies it all. The only times i have been able to get her to say anything, is when she is drunk and than its usually her yelling at me saying "So what, i was a terrible mom, is that what you want to hear?? Get off your high fucking horse."

This makes it kinda hard for me to move on from it. I know it wont change a damn thing, i don't expect her to apologize, i just want acknowledgment, i want to feel like i didn't make it all up. Some of the things that happened, are hard to believe are true. Reality truly is stranger than fiction and more fucked up. I feel bad after i write shit about her, i shouldn't but i do. She's not the same person and when i write about her past and mine i almost feel like I'm attacking her because she can't defend herself.  She doesn't read my blog and I'm sure if she did she would be hurt that i have written about my childhood, that i have wrote things that make her look bad. Writing anything about her or my childhood hurts. It hurts so terrible that i almost never do. It hurts thinking about it, it hurts writing it and it really hurts reading it. It makes me feel bad for my mom and I'm not entirely sure why.

This is all for now. I know this doesn't seem like much, and its not everything, but this has been weighing on me. After making myself sit and type i do feel a little better and i generally do when i write, the action of doing it can be incredibly hard sometimes.