Sunday, March 31, 2013

Weekly quotes: #1

Top Ten Quotes Of The Week
1. "My farts sounds different when i don't have hair on my ass"
2. "I bet she has to use 2 tampons"
3. 'My penis keeps sticking to my balls"
4. "Look, i can pee like a guy, I don't even have to take my shorts off"
5. "I hate to bang and run but..."
6. "Our family has the prettiest blue eyes"
7. "Next year we are going to hide little bottles of vodka instead of eggs"
8. "I'm a ninja"
9. "If i was a fish and you were a fish, i would eat you cause your cute"
10."My nose hurts from smelling your hair to much!"

These were all said by my family and friends over the course of the week.

Friday, March 29, 2013

Workin Man Mama reveled

I have decided not to blog anonymously. I want to share who i am and how cute my kids are, there is no reason not to! If you all are taking time out of your day to read my shit, you should know who i am, right?

I guess i need to reintroduce myself..with pictures. This is me and MFKL. My name is Brittnee (talk about white trash name right?). This is before we had kids.
 This is my oldest boy Enzo also know as Fire Ball.

This is my youngest son Porter Ray AKA Beefcake, my baby.

This is my family, my boys are almost as silly as there mama and papa. There isn't anything in the entire world that i love more than my three boys, I am a lucky ass women! 


I have been a little conflicted with my anonymity. I'm not sure i want to be anonymous or what staying annomous is really doing for me or keeping me from. I'm not ashamed of who i am or what i write. I am just me. You all already know my kids names, have seen pictures of them, at least partial pictures.

So here is my question to you all. Should i stay anonymous? Do you want to know who i am? Do you even care? I'm guessing no, lol. See i have wonderful confidence in myself. But in all seriousness, please share with me your opinion.

Easter memories

I have always been ambivalent about Easter. For one, I'm not religious and two, It's always been my moms favorite holiday, or the one she celebrates the most. For her its not about the religious aspects either, its because she has been a pretty worthless mom and was always "gone" or in jail or whatever on all the other holidays and for some reason or another was always "around" when Easter time came.

It always seems like something always happens around Easter, good or bad, but always something memorable. I have a few memories of my Easters i would like to share. The first is one of the reasons i really don't like Easter, it reminds me of a lot of the disappointments of my childhood, and my mom. The second is a little heart warming, its about my adoptive dad, the only person i have ever been able to really count on besides my husband. The last story was last Easter with my boys, its one that i will never forget, my mother bought a couple chicks and brought them over, my boys were thrilled, they even named them, than something traumatic happened!

My most memorable Easter, and i say memorable as in, the one that stands out among all the rest. The most memorable Easter was when i was five, before my sisters were born. On all the years previous my mother would hide my Easter basket, I thought it was fun looking for it and got to feel the satisfaction and the excitement of finding it when i did. This Easter however was different. My mom was dating my adoptive dad at the time and they were into the party scene and were doing a bunch of drugs. The night before Easter they both got high and started throwing plates of spaghetti at each other. The next morning when i woke up, i was excited, Easter! As i searched through the house for my Easter basket i had to tip toe around the spaghetti all over the floor and falling from the ceiling. I looked and looked and looked to no avail. My mom forgot it was Easter. She had always made a special effort to make Easter a big event and totally forgot. I was more than a little devastated. I spent the whole night before covering up my ears because of the yelling and fight and dishes being thrown, thinking it will all be ok because tomorrow was Easter and mom loves Easter. So, understandably i dislike Easter, if for no other reason.

Memory number two was yet again a Easter before my sisters came along. My mom was running her own gymnastics academy and was throwing an Easter get together at the gym. She had the brilliant idea to go get a rabbit costume for the guy she was dating to wear. We were on our way to pick up the costume when i asked the guy a question. I asked him if i could call him dad, this rightly so blew my moms mind and the guys. I think i must have been four or five at the time. The guy said yes, and he became my dad and still was after my mom and him broke up. He has been the only man in my life, (besides my husband now) that has always had my back and has been a constant in my life. We have always had a mutual understanding of each other. We have never lied to each other EVER. This man taught me to tie my shoes, ride a bike and where to kick a boy if i got picked on. This man taught me so much, and come Easter time i always think of him and my heart swells and i get a little teary eyed.

The last memory i am sharing was last Easter with my boys. My mom came over as usual with eggs filled with rocks (we are all rock hounds), a pinata filled with toys and candy(I told you she is eccentric, but the boys love it), and two little chicks. I asked Fire Ball what he was going to name his chicks and him being two in a half and not being the most creative said "Fire Ball and Beefcake" So he named the chicks (because they were brothers) after him and his brother. We had some beers the boys cracked open the pinata and had some candy. We were all having a good day even the little chicks who were roaming the back yard. When all of a sudden a blue jay comes sweeping down and decapitates the chick known as Beefcake. Feathers were flying everywhere and there was blood on the ground. The other chick "Fire Ball" was screaming, chirping his little heart out. My boys didn't exactly know what was going on but Fire Ball started running toward the decapitated chick and of course i went running to Fire Ball, being only two and had bonded with these little chicks i didn't want him to see the carnage. After i got the kids inside, all of us adults laughed our asses off. Whats the odds? The whole situation was so funny. Beefcake got decapitated by a blue jay.

Easters are always eventful in my family. This Easter we are heading over to my moms house. The family is all going over tomorrow instead of Sunday. As i am writing this i am wondering what will happen this year? I feel a little anxious, not in a good way but i know that i will have fun regardless of what happens because i have my boys and MFKL and we will make it fun for the kids no matter what happens. Even if we have to leave my moms early and go on a adventure, we will have fun. I will let you all know how it goes.

Thursday, March 28, 2013

The Rogue Pisser

I know i have written about piss and being pissed on a lot lately and i am sorry about it but...this is my life. I have been recently stuck in a pattern of pissiness. I am either pissed on, pissed off, or someone in my family is in a pissy mood. Today i woke up and found my shirt wet, not soaking wet though. Just a little spot where my lovely handle is, a spot maybe the size of my hand.

Naturally i checked both boys...neither of them was wet and neither was the sheets! The first thought that came to my recently awaken mind was i got sweaty. But why would i only sweat in a tiny spot on my side and no where else? So, i checked the boys again and again they were not wet, not one bit. I decided i should take my shirt off, not only because it was wet but because i wanted to smell it to see if it smelt like piss and guess what? It did!

 I was now in the midst of a whodonit thriller involving piss and being pissed on. (big sigh, this is my life, lol) My list of possible suspects was short but i had very little evidence. This early in the morning required a much need cup of coffee before i could really think things through.

It was only me and the boys sleeping in the bed, MFKL had a little to much to drink and passed out in the spare bedroom. That means it was one of my boys, but which one?

I asked the boys when they got up if they had a pee pee accident or if any of there clothes were wet, and of course they both said no and to my surprise, they were dry and so was the evidence. I didn't have anything to bring the investigation forward, i guess i just have to wait for him to strike again. 

What i have on my hands is a mad pisser, i don't know who he is or when he will strike. What i do know is i will be pissed on again, and when i do i will catch him.

To be continued...

I Can't Sleep Alone!

 I recently came to the conclusion that i can no longer sleep by myself. I think it has been about 7 years since i slept without someone sleeping beside me, pretty much since MFKL and i were dating. MFKL has had to leave a few days at a time here or there maybe a week a couple of times but i always either had my sisters over or my boys, so i had a cuddle buddy.

Let me explain this a little better. We have a family bed, meaning the boys sleep with us most of the time. They have since the day we brought them home. MFKL and i love it most of the time, we have a big bed and love sleeping next to our babies. Most of the time i sleep in between Fire Ball and Beefcake. Which means i have two kids practically sleeping on top me. Some nights it sucks and i can't sleep because i am getting hit in the face or my boobs get pinched or punched, and or catch a knee to the vagina. But i have gotten used to it for the most part and love little hands and arms on my neck and face.

About a week ago i wasn't feeling well and MFKL told me to go take a nap. I laid in bed for a hour in a half and could not fall asleep, i was exhausted and wanted to take a nap but just couldn't. I eventually got up frustrated and cranky because i still didn't feel good and pissed off because i didn't know why i couldn't sleep, sounds wonderful right? This has happened a few times in the past but i guess i never really thought to much about it. I have some insomnia and so i just chalked it up to that.

Yesterday i decided i was going to take a nap with the boys, i decided this after laying in bed with them and got all cozy and warm lying in between them. To be honest i couldn't get out of bed...I was way to damn comfortable and guess what? I feel asleep, immediately. I think i might have even fallen asleep before the kids.This isn't the first and I'm guessing the last time this will happen.

I can no longer sleep by myself!  I'm not sure if i like this or not. I would like to be able to rest or sleep alone every once in a while because i know i would totally be completely rested in very little sleep time.
But at the same time, it makes me feel kinda elated. There is nothing in the world that makes me happier than my boys (also nothing that makes me more angry, frustrated, embarrassed and exhausted). I guess having them next to me is comforting, and relaxing. I guess being kicked in the vagina isn't that bad if i have my boys next to me and i am able to get some sleep.

Wednesday, March 27, 2013

Bedtime Treasures #2

This is what my son took to bed with him last night. A key, Allen wrench, Band Aid and a flash light.
He informed me that the things he takes to bed with him help him in his dreams. He must have just as screwed up dreams as mama.

Tuesday, March 26, 2013

Trying to hard

 Is it just me or do other people experience this also? I feel like when i am all dolled up my husband barley notices, but w

Since having the kids i don't always do my hair and get "dressed" everyday. Heck some days i don't shower. I was thinking about this a couple months ago and really felt like a bit of an asshole. I kept thinking man, i should totally be showered with my hair and makeup done everyday for my hard working husband, because he really deserves it and also if I'm being honest i was thinking i might get more sex out of him if i didn't smell like puke and piss all the time. I should totally at least be showered everyday right?

So, for a whole month not only did i do all my normal daily activities (house work,playing with the kids, bathing the boys ect.) without neglecting one thing(most of the time), but i also showered, shaved my legs, did my hair, put makeup on and wore something other than pajama pants. I did this everyday. I SHAVED MY LEGS EVERYDAY! I hadn't done that since i was 18.  I was exhausted and in desperate need of alcohol every night!

The first night MFKL said  "you look nice" and i think maybe i got a couple more compliments through the whole month. I don't know what i was expecting, but i guess it was more than i got. After the month was over i said FUCK IT! It totally was not worth it. I didn't think it would spice things up but i thought MFKL might want to have a little more mama papa time or at the very least, touch my shaven legs a little more. Normally i think my leg hair is longer than his, and he complains about it, as he should but shaving is bitch! This is one of the reasons i thought he would notice it a little more, hello soft, non fury legs!

The next week i was having a horrible day, i got puked on, i had leaves in my hair from doing work in the yard, and about another handful of other little things. MFKL came home and gave me a huge hug and kiss and took the more obvious leaves out of my hair. He told me he loved me and that i looked very pretty, with his cute boyish smile on his face.

Am I just trying to hard? What the heck? It seems the more gross and horrible i look the more MFKL wants to get all up in my shit. But when i get cleaned up, and i do clean up nice, he seems preoccupied or not interested. Is it just my MFKL? Is he just a weird dude into dirty girls? (LOL hold on, I'm cracking myself up as im writing. This is starting to sound a little to dirty and I'm not even trying, mybe i should be writing funny sexy books. Ok, i think i got this.) MFKL did ask me out on our first date when i was covered in dirt and concrete.

Is this just me and my husband or have any of you experienced this "trying to hard" thing?
Regardless, i love my husband and i know he loves me...dirty and all...smelling of piss and puke sometimes...looking disheveled.

Fun Weekend

I had a really fun weekend with my family. It started with MFKL and i taking the boys the the Children's Museum for super hero day. We did the normal digging in the rubber dig area, playing in the water and all the normal crap but we also got to make super hero capes. The boys had a blast, Beefcake was all into putting letters and shapes on his cape and Fire Ball mainly wanted the shinny pretty things to put on his cape. He did not like one of my suggestions, but it was his cape, so i let him do it his way, lol.There were also supposed to be guys dressed up as the characters from Star Wars, but the boys were way to exhausted to stay and wait till they got there but that's ok, there is always a next time. I think MFKL was way more interested in the Star Wars guys than the kids.

After the Children's Museum we went to Edge field had a couple Ruby beers and mama got a vanilla bean cigar. The kids love to run around and explore.

Later in the day my little sister Stiff came home from college for spring break and we were all very excited. Little B decieded to come over and stay with us also! I was a very happy mama and big sister, there really is nothing better than good family! We all had such a blast. We played Doge Ball Dance Party, which is what it sounds like. We throw on some music and start to dance and be crazy while throwing plastic balls at each others faces. The boys loved this, lol. We play this a lot but its way more fun when you have crazy aunties spicing things up. We laughed so hard, so much! The kids were zombies, threw the whole weekend, man were they pooped out.

One of the things my sisters and i have always liked doing together is watching movies, usually scary ones but Little B has always hated scary movies so we didn't make her watch one plus the kids were still up so we watched Dan In Real Life. MFKL and i had seen the movie before and really liked it. MFKL always does his commentary during movies, he had us cracking up so much. There is a gal in the movie that doesn't look like Maggie Gyllenhaal but MFKL thinks she does, anyway he hates Maggie with a burning furry, and now hated the gal in Dan In Real Life because he breifly thought it was Maggie, lol. During the movie he said

"I hate this bitch to. Her and Maggie Gyllenhaal can go eat each others pussies in hell"

Oh my god i laughed so freaking hard, my husband is probably more crass than me if you can believe that, lol. His commentary is the best, especially if we both have been drinking.

Between the dodge ball dance parties and playing outside, the kids were so tired they both went to bed at 6pm all three night the aunties were here. I am still beat, those girls kept me up till all hours of the night, than i had to get up at 6 with the kids everyday because they don't ever sleep in! Overall, really great weekend, had lots of fun, ate a fuck ton of junk food, but now its time to get back to the normal routine and better eating. I think i gained more than a few pounds over the weekend, as Stiff would say, YIKES!

Wednesday, March 20, 2013

I threatened to kick the neighbor kids ass today

I have a neighbor who has a few kids who are a few years older than mine. We have a fence between our yards that has slats in it. Some of the slats are missing and my and kids and the neighbor kids like playing peek a boo through the fence and like to talk.

I am ok with this. They all giggle and have fun, cool. What i am not ok with is when the older neighbor kids throw baseball sized rocks over the fence trying to hit my kids! This happened about a week ago and i almost lost my shit! I was sitting on the couch with MFKL when i kept hearing a thumping outside, when i finally got off my ass to see what was going on, there were a half dozen baseball sized rocks lying in my yard. Luckily my boys were smart enough to step back and get under our wood shelter, but were not smart enough to yell to Mama.

I was pissed let me tell you. I grabbed the rocks and as i did the kid ran away with me screaming "you better run you little fucker" and stormed out my front door with a worried MFKL yelling at me to come back. He knows i don't get mad often and it normally takes a lot, but as I'm sure all you Mama's out there know if you mess with our kids we will kick your ass, i don't care if you are six years old or not! I didn't knock on the door i kicked it, i know, i know bad Mama. When the mom answered the door i reached out and put all the rocks inside the door at her feet and said

"Your boy threw these rocks over the fence at mine, your kid could have killed my little boys. If it happens again i will throw them back...I won't miss"

She was more than a little shocked. I'm not sure at the fact that i threatened her kid, the rocks at her feet, or that her kid threw the rocks. She was really silent for a minute then apologized. I simply told her that if it happens again, i am serious, i will throw the rocks back. I don't have any problem kicking some kids ass that is threatening the health of my kids. I also wouldn't mind kicking there parents ass for letting there kids think they can get away with shit like that!

So this was last week. Today my kids were playing in the yard in between down pours, and i heard a thump again. So i go literally running out my back door and saw that little shit throwing rocks again. So what did i do? I ran and jumped the fence, scaring the shit out of the kid. I calmly looked right into his scared little face and said "You don't want to know what i will do to you if you throw one more rock over that fucking fence, do you hear me?"
He silently shook his head yes and walked into his house. I jumped back over the fence expecting one of his parents to come over but nobody did.

I know this really makes me sound like an asshole and a terrible person for saying that to a kid, but i don't care. I am that type of person. The type of person who wont put up with other peoples bullshit when it comes to the health and well being of my children. I seriously doubt that kid will throw anymore rocks.

Tuesday, March 19, 2013

Adult Dance Party

As most of you know i love to have dance parties with my family and friends, my sisters and i have been having them since they were all very little. My boys and i have them daily. On Saturday MFKL and i got to have our own adult dance party after the kids went to bed. An adult dance party consist of MFKL and i getting drunk and listening to music, dancing, and making playlists. It's way fun, and if MFKL gets drunk enough he does his naked James Brown impression which makes me laugh hysterically.

This weeks adult dance party was mainly 80's music. I will have to share the playlist we made. MFKL and i have somewhat different taste in our 80's. We do like a lot of the same stuff but i also like butt rock, which MFKL hates. If you don't know what butt rock is, its bands like..Guns and roses, Def Leopard and Motley Crue just to name a few. I love it, grew up with it and my kids are way into because of me, which MFKL hates lol!

We had a really fun night. Did a little making out to the Dirty Dancing soundtrack, it was a much needed semi date night. I did get to see MFKL James Brown impression and i woke up with my underwear backwards and inside out, in a little bit of a haze.

Here is a little taste of the playlist we made. Its called remembrance..
-She Sells Sanctuary-The Cult
-I Ran-A Flock Of Seagulls
-Thank You-Duran Duran
-The Promise-When in Rome
-Everybody Want to Rule The World-Tears For Fears
-Take On Me-a-ha
-Don't Dream It's Over-Crowded House
-I Melt With You-Modern English
-Safety Dance-Men With Hats
-I'm All Right-Kenny Loggins
-Your The Best-Joe "bean" esposito
-Don't You-Simple Minds
-Careless Whisper-George Michael
-Hip to Be Square-Huey Lewis and the News
-Never Gonna Give You Up-Rick Astley
-Psycho Killer-Talking Heads

Just to name a few...I'm thinking i need to start a Spotify account for my blog. If you are in a 80's mood i suggest this mini play list! If you are into Butt Rock i will have to start a new one! Hope you enjoy.

Friday, March 15, 2013

New rules, because i don't like to get pissed on!

I cannot describe to you the feeling of waking up not once but two nights in a row to someone peeing up your back.

Last night Fire Ball took off his pull up after crawling out of his bed, crawled into mine, fell asleep and pissed all over me at 4:30 in the morning. This time i have to admit i didn't laugh. I simply said
"Oh, fuck. Come on man!"
Nobody seemed to care, MFKL didn't wake up Beefcake didn't wake up and surprisingly Fire Ball didn't wake up even though he way lying in piss and had Mama man handling him to put a towel under him since everyone else was not going to wake up so i could change the sheets.

Needless to say yet again, i made the coffee this morning. Tonight there are going to be some new rules. They might be a tad bitchy and over the top but, I'm really not into the golden shower thing, so rules there will be!

Also my youngest Beefcake still thinks he needs milk in the middle of the night, that's not going to happen anymore. I know i will be really grumpy dealing with a yelling cranky 2 year old screaming about milk in the middle of the night but at least i wont be getting pissed on and i know eventually the battle for 'night milk' will end and i will be getting way more uninterrupted sleep. So, totally worth it in the end. Plus its a huge pain in the ass to get Beefcake to brush his teeth again after drinking the milk half asleep.

Here are my new rules:

1. No drinking liquids after 6pm
       (I prefer bathing in warm water not warm piss every morning)

2. If you don't eat your dinner at dinner time, you can't get up to eat it at bedtime.
       (I don't care how skinny you are Fire Ball)

3. If you wake up and come into my bed, i will be putting you back in your own.
       (You are big boys you don't need to lay on my head and kick me in the boob every night)

4. We will only be reading 2 books, or 2 chapters of a long book at bedtime.
      (Not 10 books and 10 chapters of a long book)

5. If you miss the toilet and piss on the floor, clean it up.
     (Mama doesn't like slipping in a puddle of piss, or sit in a bunch of piss when using the toilet)

It came to my attention while writing this that my 2 year old son Beefcake, took off his diaper and pooped on the floor. He walked in the office...
"I poop in my living room, poop on floor not in my diaper" 

6. If you are going to take off your diaper, i expect you to use the toilet.
     (especially if you have to poop!)

7. No saying swear words
     (I know this is a little hypocritical, but they know which ones are bad)

8. If you pick you nose, don't flick your booger at my company, please put it in a Kleenex.
     (Believe it or not, girls don't like boys who fling boogers at there faces)

9. I expect you to clean your own room, i will help but i won't do all the work.
     (I am not your maid i am your Mama)

10. Have fun, your little boys.
     (Your Mama is crazy and your Papa worries to much, please be patient with us) 

I am not a very strict mom, nor am i a heartless bitch, i love to have fun. I know some of these rules sound a little ridged but this is what it has come to. I have smart boys that know right from wrong and are usually not assholes on purpose, so i give them a more privileges and freedom to do and say what they want. But there are things that obviously need to change and i am hoping enacting these new rules, or at least attempting to follow them will help make the little changes so Mama doesn't have a freakout or drink more vodka then she should.

Thursday, March 14, 2013

Waking up to someone pissing on you is not fun

Last night Fire Ball wanted to try going to bed without a pull up because he is now a big boy and doesn't need one at night, according to him. I told him that maybe we should wait till tomorrow night and stop drinking liquids a couple hours before bed. But he threw a huge fit because he was tierd and so i gave in. I did make him go potty before crawling into bed.

I don't sleep well, and am up half the night so i went and checked on him multiple times before i went to bed at midnight. No accidents. I was relived and happy and decided i didn't need to put a pull up on him before i went to bed.

How dumb am i?

I wake up at 4am to a naked Fire Ball laying behind me in my bed pissing up my back into my hair. Yes, i am an idiot and i paid for it. I thought waking up in a puddle of piss was bad but no this took the cake, the piss cake.

I was so shocked and a little in awe that i wasn't even mad. I started laughing, i laughed really really hard. Waking up everyone else who was in my bed including Beefcake and MFKL who managed not to get pee on them even though we were all snuggled up way close.

Needless to say, i couldn't go back to sleep. Good Morning Workin Man Mama! I guess i could have been worse. At least piss is warm. I think if i had waken up to cold water being poured all over me, i would have woken up yelling swear words.


Wednesday, March 13, 2013

My MFKL is a romantic at heart

 Don't be jealous when you read this! I have an amazing husband, who loves his boys and i more than anything. I felt like i needed to post something a little nicer about my husband than what i I do bitch about my husband a decent amount on my blog, i won't stop, because its my blog and I'm kinda a bitch, but i feel like i need to even it out just a little so you don't get the wrong idea about MFKL. He is the sweetest man i have ever met, besides my dad. So i will give you a little something to be jealous about...haha

I have to admit, MFKL and i have had some romantic times. Not as much since we had the kids, but he still surprises me every once in awhile when I'm least expecting it. He does a lot of little things, that remind me all the time that he is thinking of me. Like buying me a fancy coffee, buying the brand of beer i like, and doing all the grocery shopping because i hate it and almost get in fights every time i go. Good Man! 

Some of the most romantic times i remember, were not romantic at all it seemed like at the time. But looking back makes me smile. Like when we were living in the Hollywood district in a tiny little triplex and we couldn't afford internet so we stole it from the neighbors, but the only place we could get a connection was in the kitchen near the floor against the wall. So that's where we sat most evenings, on the floor with a blanket and a bottle of wine, watching shows on the laptop.

MFKL and i met in Seaside. I don't think i can tell you how many times we watched the sunset on the beach while drinking a bottle of sparkling wine. I don't miss Seaside in the least, but i do miss walking the beach with MFKL.
MFKL and i have been through so much, i have put him through so much. I don't think i tell him enough how much i really need him. He has given me so many good memories, and made me so many incredibly yummy dinners. He has also given me two of the coolest people on the earth, our boys. I imagine i will do lots more bitching about my husband, and call him names, because that's my job. Just know i don't hate him and he's not that much of an asshole!

OK, I'm done with the mushy shit. Back to the bitching.

My dreams are so messed up!

So i had that dream again, you know the one where I'm at a robot and vampire orgy and i don't realize it till I'm lifting up some hot guys shirt only to realize he is a robot. Holy hell. At least it wasn't a vampire, zombie orgy, I'm not sure i could handle that one. I woke up like five times, and always went right back into the dream where i left off! So much for waking up and the bad dream goes away. And what happened to hot vampires? All the vampires in my dream were homeless looking and all the robots were way hot till they started to get naked then they looked like a boxy type robot. 

Does anybody else have really odd or disturbing dreams like me? This is like every night. I don't sleep much but when i do i have to endure my deranged imagination, and believe me i have quite the imagination.

I guess i gotta add a new label for my blog, weird dreams.

Tuesday, March 12, 2013


Finally we are making another batch of beer and a batch of hard cider. It is so much cheaper its nuts and i kinda like having 10 gallons of alcohol on hand...just in case. It only cost about $25 to make 5 gallons of hard cider and 2 to 3 weeks to brew.  Beer usually ranges between $25 to $35 to make 5 gallons and again only 2 to 3 weeks to brew.

The last batch we made was an herbal beer. It had some ginger, basil, lemon grass, and blueberries. It tasted more like tea but was about 5.5% in alcohol. If you haven't home brewed before let me tell you, its awesome! Its cheaper and tastes better...most of the time. You can't make a cheap tasting beer.

The only time we made a batch that didn't turn out so great (but we still drank it) was the caffeinated beer we made. We used a pound of white espresso ground up really fine and added it to the lager. It tasted great and was i think around 6% but gave you such bad gas it totally wasn't worth it. If you drank one beer you had so much gas it hurt, so then you had to drink more so you weren't so uncomfortable. I think we either named it a.m. ale or fart your ass off, i can't remember which. One beer had more caffeine then 3 cups of coffee.

Now that the lady cave is clean, i think i might convert the chest freezer we have into a kegerater. I think i can fit two kegs in it, which means i will have to buy one more tap handle. It will be a fun project. My boys love workin man projects and i love beer so it will be fun for all! 

Monday, March 11, 2013

When it rains it pours

So, i just mentioned in my last post that i am having a bit of a down day...We all have them, mine tend to me a little bit worse then normal but i will pull my head out of my ass at some point today or sleep it off tonight whatever.

My day just went from being a downer to being bad. I just walked out into my lady cave to check on the table my boys and i painted this morning....I walked out in bare feet...I didn't look when i walked out and stepped right on a DEAD MOUSE!!!! On my rug, lying there dead, now squished!!! THE FUCK?? I have a hurting back, I'm in a bad mood and now have mouse guts squirted not only on my foot but all over the rug. Wonderful.

The fuck else is going to happen???? All i have to say is bring on the vodka. I will keep you updated, if sure more shit will happen today, when it rains it pours!

Me today

I am having a bit of a down day and my back is killing me. I have tried to get motivated and write, but i am finding really hard to do a damn thing. I did manage to get the house a little cleaned up, mainly so i don't go nuts but it still counts.

I had to force myself to get out in the lady cave with the boys. I promised them yesterday that we would finish our table we were refinishing. We got the first coat of paint done, then i was done. The boy have been amazingly understanding today. I hate when i feel this way, i really feel bad for my boys. I normally keep them doing shit all day keeping them busy, but its just killing me today.

I will try and finish a post, i have a few most of the way done!

We did have an amazing weekend, i have some pics and some funny stories i will try and share later, sorry again, its just one of those days!

Friday, March 8, 2013

Bedtime treasures

Fire Ball always takes things to bed with him. I tell him all the time, please take soft things to bed with you, like your teddy bears or something along those lines. He doesn't listen to me and either i have to go get the shit out of his hands after he falls asleep or he rolls over on it in the middle of the night and comes into my room pissed.

So last night this is what i found. A hammer, a dollar coin, a letter Y and my capo for my guitar. The hell? What the heck was he playing?

Thursday, March 7, 2013

Can i borrow a tampon?

I think i have mentioned how eccentric my mom is and how unstable my childhood was. My brothers father was and continues to be the creepiest and the biggest asshole i have ever met. He used to bring really weird people over to our house and let them stay with us, like homeless people with weird issues.

This one day he brought home a really strange looking man named Egghead. He had shoulder length grey frizzy hair. He had a soft voice and pale blue eyes and was very obviously homeless. Egghead had a split personality. Half the time he was Egghead and the other half of the time She was Amelia. As a 11 year old, i found this incredibly entertaining and interesting.

As it turns out Egghead was a really nice man, life just took a shit on him and he couldn't seem to get back into the swing of things because of his condition. I was always a big tomboy and loved being dirty and playing with the boys. But when Amelia came around i would always let her paint my nails, do my makeup and put really horrible fake jewelry on me because it made her happy and made me laugh. She had great style that was completely out of this world. That women could wear a dress!

After staying with us for about a month he asked my mom when he was Amelia if she could borrow a tampon. A TAMPON! Where the hell was she going to stick it? This puzzled me for a really long time, and neither my or me had the guts to ask Amelia where she was going to put it.

I don't remember Egghead leaving or ever talking about him or Amelia with my mom after the fact. As funny as this sounds, i think meeting Egghead and Amelia was one of the coolest things my mom and my brothers dad did for me. My view of people, there illnesses and quirky personal stories and struggles, because of knowing Egghead and some of the others, i think made me a really accepting person. I have a incredibly open mind considering the people who raised me.

Can i borrow a tampon? 

This show is to sexy for me

Last night my boys were so exhausted. When they get really tired they will get the giggles and laugh at anything and everything, its really fun to watch. But last night they reached the stage of being tired that comes right after the uncontrollable laughing, the one where they are little demons.

When MFKL got home i greeted him at the door, gave him a kiss and warned him of the boy's mood. They were sitting quietly  in the living room so MFKL and i decided to stay in the kitchen and have a couple of beers before the kids reliezed they hadn't terrorized us in a while.

I guess i had left the t.v. on cause Fire ball yelled from the living room.

"I can't watch this show, it's to sexy"

Laughing we went into the living room to see what he was watching. It was that show Rules of Engagement. I don't know if you have seen this show but its not to sexy, not a bad show but definitely not sexy.

The stuff that comes out of that kids mouth.

Wednesday, March 6, 2013

My garbage man didn't want to help me with my cans, he waned to help me with my cans!

This morning at 7am i heard a knock at my door. I was still in my bathrobe, (actually I'm always in my bathrobe) it was my garbage man. He noticed i hadn't put my cans out and was wondering if he could help me with them.

I know what your thinking, what great service and i wish my garbage man did that! But i have a confession to make. About a month ago i was taking the cans out to the curb on garbage day, when i dropped my phone. I bent down to pick it up and my tit came out of my tank top right when the garbage man was stopped picking up the neighbors cans. I know he saw it, he had a huge smile on his face and always waves to me since that day.

My husband is always embarrassed for me. I am half naked or naked a lot of the time. If I'm at home i want to be comfortable. The majority of the neighbors I'm sure have seen me naked,  I don't care. If my tit or nip slip can make someones day, I'm all for it!

You a bad boy Mama

My son Fire Ball used to call everyone boys, including mama. He went through a faze where if i did anything he did not approve of like make him sit a the table to eat he would say:

"You a bad boy mama"

He unfortunately stopped saying it about a year ago and i kinda miss it. I would always laugh so hard. Last night MFKL came home and said,

"You a bad boy mama"

I laughed and Fire Ball comes walking into the kitchen with a pissed off look on his face.

"Mama, is not a boy, and she hasn't been bad either. Papa don't you know Mama has a vagina? She has no pee pee! You are a big boy  you should really talk to your Mama about teaching you about vagina's" 

Oh. My. God.
Laughed my ass off! I think i even peed a little, i was laughing so hard. MFKL just stood stunned looking at Fire Ball.

Tuesday, March 5, 2013

The monster inside me

I had a tough childhood, tough enough to change who i became as an adult. I remember being "down" or depressed at the age of eight. It was at this age my responsibilities became clear to me, and that my mom wasn't going to be there for me or my little sisters who were two and one, so i did. 

My mom has always had a problem with depression since her sister died and has been an addict of some sort since. My whole life i knew she never wanted to be a mom, that we were just side effects of her drug abuse and party lifestyle. She also made no effort to be a mom, she wanted to be the cool friend.

So that meant that as an eight year old, i had to step up for these little babies she was neglecting. I had to essentially become a mom, but had no guide, no mommy role model. This made my life hard, this made me resentful, full of sorrow and depressed as an eight year old.

My mom would leave to go on job interviews, and not come back for 3 and 4 days at a time. Sometimes she would get picked up for prostitution and spend a few days in jail. I had to skip school, cause nobody else was there to take care of the babies. I had to steal my moms food stamps and lie to her about it so i could feed the babies. I had to potty train them both cause we didn't have money to buy diapers. Our house was so infested with cockroaches i remember pouring a box of cereal in a bowl and there being more cockroaches then cereal.

Looking back i am disgusted for many reasons. My mom has four sisters who knew exactly what was going on. They would even bring by groceries every so often and cry to me about how they couldn't do much else. I didn't understand how these people could be so weak. But they all were dealing with there own demons and depression. I remember trying to talk to teachers when i did manage to make it to school, and they wouldn't do anything. This is about the time that the first "no child left behind act" was passed and i was totally left behind.

I remember thinking life is hard, to hard, at eight years old. My sisters dad got married to a women who had two kids about the same age as the girls so he started seeing us more. He is a good man, probably the only one my mom has ever been with. He quickly realized the situation we were in and fought my mom in court to get custody of the girls, which he did successfully. The only bad thing about this was i was now alone.

There is a gap in my memory spanning a couple of years. I don't remember anything from this time. Starting right after my sisters left. I think my brain is trying to protect me, i think things must have got really horrible since my mom, wasn't responsible for little kids anymore. I do have one memory, and its kinda haunting. I remember my mom making me poke a guy with a needle in the arm, and him convulsing not long after.

I remember as a ten year old, not wanting to do normal ten year old activities. I remember thinking i wanted to die. Nobody would help me. I remember not being able to put into words the things i was feeling, not having the vocabulary to express my deep hurt. I felt like everyone's punching bag. My mom and my biological dad and i somehow started living together again, but not as a family. Things didn't last long cause my mom put a restraining order out on him and so he turned my mom into the police since she had several outstanding warrants.

I had to hide my mom from the police and watch her pack a bag to leave me behind. I had to say goodbye to her. Not only did she leave me but i couldn't go to my dad because there was a restraining order keeping him from me because of there juvenile fight. So i was alone again. I remember after sitting for 8 hours waiting in my house in agony, calling my aunt who the police supposedly called but didn't. She came and picked me up, she had a son about a year younger then me. I very vividly remember her sitting on her kitchen floor crying to me saying she can't take me in, it would be to much of a burden. I was a burden. This hurt me more than i can express in words.

My mom eventually did the time in jail for her warrants, after running for a bit. Oh, she was 8 moths pregnant when this all went down by the way. I moved in with her, my new brother and his abusive father. He broke my nose one night while i was trying to keep my brother from being hit, my mom did nothing. I knew then that something had to change, that i couldn't do this anymore. About this time my sisters started coming over to visit with us for a week at a time. I remember there dad who i called dad since i was 5 and his new wife giving me money so the girls could eat while they were visiting. They still knew how bad it was. I eventually went to back to there house with them for a visit and telling them that i couldn't go back, and they let me stay. I felt more accepted and loved in that moment then i had ever experienced in my life. Someone wanted me. 

Things got a little easier, i didn't have to steal to feed my sisters, but also very tough because now not only did i have all this pain inside that i didn't know what to do with but i had raging hormones on top of it. I had spent a lifetime appearing to be normal, acting like nothing was wrong so my sisters wouldn't have to worry.

I was a deeply depressed teenager. I eventually shared with my dad and his wife that i needed help, and they got me on some anti-depressants. They didn't help me any, instead they had the adverse affect and made me want to kill myself. This is something i couldn't share for some reason. Instead i got them to change my meds and again it wasn't the right one for me, they didn't work and made me feel worse.

I tried killing myself so many times, i would prepare everything but never could go through with it. The only thing that saved me was my sisters. I loved them so much and knew it would be devastating to them if they lost there big sister. I loved them to much to do this to them, i loved them more then myself. I lived in agony for so long and would continue to live it if it meant they wouldn't have to feel hurt or sad. I could never do anything to make those girls feel anything then happy. So i never went through with it. I should really thank them, but this is something i have never talked with them about. So girls if i never work up the courage to tell you, if on the off chance you read this, THANK YOU!

Things eventually got better, i moved in with my loving grandmother. I still had a really hard time with taking anti-depressants and anti-anxiety medication. I must have tried 6 different types but all of it making it worse, making me more "sick".  I eventually got in a routine of eating right and working out, while having positive relationships or positive people in my life and things got better.

I still feel like i have a gaping hole in my heart, but i have so much love in my life now i sometimes forget about it. I'm sorry if you are still reading that this is so incredibly long. My intention was just to write a little but this all came spilling out, i think this is the most i have talked about my past ever.

We call depression on my moms side of the family,  "the family disease". Its kinda a joke but really depression is not. If you feel like you may be experiencing symptoms ask for help! But remember pills don't always work, if your doctor keeps trying to fix you with pills, find a new doctor! I think i put myself through a lot more hurt trying to fix my issues with a pill.

Monday, March 4, 2013

Today my realtor saw me naked and i pointed a 357 at him.

Sorry if your a realtor, but the ones that come to show my house can kiss it. They always call and want to show it when its the least convenient for you, I somehow always make it work. But when they show up a half hour before they are supposed to be at your house and just walk in without knocking, i want to shoot and i almost did today!

I was in the shower about 40 minutes before the realtor was supposed to arrive and all of a sudden i hear talking, adult talking. I always shower with the door open when MFKL isn't here so the boys can come tell me if somethings on fire or whatever. The realtor just lets himself in 40 minutes before the time he is supposed to be here, and its not our regular realtor either. Surely he was told there were people living in the house. Not only did he just walk in but he walks in with some people to show the house to them.

So i hear men talking in or near my kitchen when i am in the shower, several things start running through my mind in a split second. Instictually, i jump out and run to my bedroom and check the boys room, but there not there so naturally, i get the 357 from my room and just start walking to the other end of the house as fast as i could, trying to get to my boys. I cannot tell you how freaked out and scared i was. We recently had a man try to break into the house in the middle of night, this was like 2 weeks ago. Luckily i was awake and scared him, and then woke up MFKL who grabbed the pistol and ran outside in his underwear looking for the guy.

But back to the realtor. I was almost to the men's voices and my kids. Naked, dripping wet i turned the corner with the 357 drawn.....The realtor almost shit himself, the other guy is standing there smiling. I suddenly relieze the situation and yell at the kids to get in my bedroom, i calmly tell the realtor to get the fuck out of my house and try to walk out of the room as quickly as i could trying to keep a little dignity.

After i get dressed who knocks on the door? The FUCKING REALTOR! Oh. My. God. If i was in his shoes in this situation i would have totally never came back to the house again. I open the door, shocked and pissed off. He actually still wanted to show the house, he said the guy was still interested in seeing the rest. The rest of what i asked? My ass or the house? The poor guy didn't know what to say and just turned and walked away.

I am still mad, and feeling guilty. Just a little. I'm pretty sure this was the first time the guy had a gun pulled on him, and I'm pretty sure i was the first naked women to be standing in front of him. He was obviously a gay man and the guy he was showing the house to was obviously not. I almost feel like i should send him a 'sorry, i pulled a gun on you and showed you my gunt' card.

Druggie Whore

So last night MFKL and i got a little tipsy after the kids went to bed and was hanging out listening to music, making new playlist on spotify when he called me a "druggie whore". Yes you read that right. MFKL did not call me this because i use drugs or am a whore. He called me this because my taste in music. He said only a druggie whore would listen to music like i do. hahaha

The music i was listening to was on a new playlist i made. It has a lot of 70's music some 60's and a bunch sublime and 311. Nothing to crazy or whorish. After what seemed like a hour i finally got MFKL to explain to me what he meant.

He said if i had been old enough to be a groupie back in the 60's and 70's i would have been a druggie whore who traveled around with the band. Finally it made a little sense. I was laughing so hard listening to him try to redeem himself after calling me this! He said he hopes he didn't piss me off, and i told him he was probably right, most likely i would have been a druggie whore if i had been part of that generation...

Some of my favorite druggie whores?

My mom

 Most little girls want to grow up like there mothers. They wanna wear mama's shoes, clothes, talk and act like here mama's. They avoid cracks on the sidewalk so they don't break there mama's back. I was different. I STOMPED on cracks, i hated my mom so much. She made my life a living hell, daily. I tried crushing those cracks in the sidewalk every chance i got.

 My mom hands down is one of the worst mothers ever. She is the reason i am so fucked up. I blame her for 90% of my issues. She has done way more harm then not, to me and my sisters. Time after time again she has chosen men, or drugs over her children. She has disappeared many times for weeks and even years without even giving any thought to her children.

My mom is also the reason i am such a good mother. She taught me what not to do. She taught me that children should be the most important thing in your life if you chose to have them. She taught me that a mother should do anything for her family. She also taught me that sometimes love just isn't enough. She taught me to be a strong women.

I was damn lucky to have learned from her mistakes, to see things objectively. She didn't teach me any of these things like a normal mom would. She repeatedly pushed my into a pit of hell over and over and over again. I watched her destroy her life and try to destroy the lives of me and my sisters. I watched her a lot. In fact, i watched her so much i learned from her. I took everything she did and made a mental note, to do the opposite.

I hated my mom for years. She still takes no responsibility for the things she has done, and also the things she failed to do for her children. I haven't forgiven her, I've tried, i just don't think i am capable of it. When you make a decision to have children, i believe you are making a decision to put them before yourself. She won't even admit that the majority of it happened.

I'm still full of anger and resentment towards her, and some other family. If my mom had made one different decision or if one of my aunts or my dad would have made a tough decision instead of turning a blind eye, my sisters lives and mine may have been very different. We may have had a better life, a greater chance of being happy later in life. But nobody did. Nobody was strong enough, nobody had the courage to do what needed to be done.

So, as an 8 year old i had to be stronger then these adults in my life. I had to be courageous, i had to be a mom to my little sisters. I had to steal, lie and cheat to feed my baby sisters, so the adults in our lives could continue to live in denial.

I am still so incredibly pissed at these so called adults. But, i am also a little thankful in a way. I have learned more in my short life, then i thought possible. I know who i am. I have been tried and despite my moms best efforts, i am a strong, smart, loving women, because of the things i was put through. The things i had to deal with as a kid, were horrible but made me into the person i am today and today i rock! Am i completely fucked up? YES, but i rock. I rock as a mom, my kids rock, my sisters rock despite all this shit.

I finally feel like i might be able to work through some of this shit. At the very least finally talk about it. I feel like i have a huge gaping hole in my chest, sometimes. I guess i will leave you with a quote.

 “People are afraid of themselves, of their own reality; their feelings most of all. People talk about how great love is, but that’s bullshit. Love hurts. Feelings are disturbing. People are taught that pain is evil and dangerous. How can they deal with love if they’re afraid to feel? Pain is meant to wake us up. People try to hide their pain. But they’re wrong. Pain is something to carry, like a radio. You feel your strength in the experience of pain. It’s all in how you carry it. That’s what matters. Pain is a feeling. Your feelings are a part of you. Your own reality. If you feel ashamed of them, and hide them, you’re letting society destroy your reality. You should stand up for your right to feel your pain.”
Jim Morrison